by Kristin Lee

Created on: June 24, 2009

I sat there stony faced with seemingly nothing to say. Though I was silent on the outside, my soul was crying, screaming for someone to notice me. The pain that bore down upon my soul was almost unbearable. I sank deeper and deeper into my fears, my past that was tainted with demons and skeletons that were meant to stay buried forever. No one was ever supposed to see this pain. No one was ever supposed to know how damaged I was. No one was ever supposed to see the human side of me.

He searched my wordless face for some trace of feeling. He stared at me as if he was trying to read my mind. He was crying, begging me to open up to him; but I couldn't. He was already so hurt; there was no way I could allow him to see how ugly I really am. I had to protect him from it, just like I have always protected everyone else. So I sat there silent, and I almost lost him.

I had pushed everyone away. I thought that I was protecting them, but all I was doing was hurting myself. Is my health, my sanity really worth protecting everyone? If I had to choose them or me, what would I choose? I would choose them, and that is exactly why I am in this predicament today. I know in my heart that its time to stop putting everyone else first; its time to start taking care of me.

I turned my back on my Dad. The parent I never really had. He was there to dote on me with his money but his love was never unconditional. It was always dependant upon me being happy, dependant upon me being, in his eyes, perfect. When I found out I was pregnant I needed him, I needed a parent to be there for me, to support me and tell me it was going to be OK. But he turned his back on me. He told me I was a failure, a disappointment. He shattered me like a glass bottle being thrown against the cement, and he didn't even have to try. I care too much what he thinks. I care too much about being perfect for him, so I turned my back on him. I turned towards myself and I hated what I saw.

I told him what I had done. I told him that I had stood up for myself, and he told me he was proud of me. I have never heard those words without prompting on my part, and it hurt. It hurt because this man I love who has known me only a fraction in time is proud of me and the one man I spent my whole life trying to make happy thought I was a failure. A friend told me I wouldn't know love if it bit me in the ass. She was right. Here was this man, ready and willing to love me, to stand by me in my darkest hours, willing to sacrifice things that make him happy so that I might smile again, and I was hurt by his passion. What is wrong with me?! All I have ever wanted is love, unconditional love. It was staring me in the face and I didn't know what to do.

When I am not with him I think about him. But then when I am with him all I can think about is getting away. I am torn between what I want and protecting every one I love from my evil side, the side that hates with unbridled rage and destroys all in her path because she doesn't know how to love anything or any one.

It's time to end this pain. I've lost everything and every one, there is no reason left to live. It's time to succumb to the darkness that beckons to me with intense urgency. As the pills slide down my throat washed away by water I close my eyes and wait to be swallowed by the abyss. Death will release me from this hell, it has to, I've no where else to go.

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