by Carolyn Tytler

Created on: June 22, 2009

When taking on a blended family, I'm convinced teachers have a definite advantage. They are accustomed to dealing with groups of children on an equal basis, and it's unlikely anything the little dears can think up will surprise or incapacitate them. Former experience in any leadership role, in which an adult has been responsible for a group of young people, such as a coach on a sports team, will be of inestimable value in managing a blended family successfully.

You and your new spouse will be co-parenting a group of children, some of whom belong to each of you. You are setting up a new household and, as senior residents and decision makers, you must make up appropriate house rules. This is where communication is essential. You must set up rules on which you can both agree . Having one set of rules for some of the children and another set for the others is a recipe for disaster.

You may get opposition at first. "This isn't the way we did it at home." Acknowledge the complaint and explain that this is another house with different family members and that you may do things differently. Explain the reason routines have changed and stress that both of you think these rules will work out better for everyone.

The children's health and safety must be the priority. Be sure there is a written health record for each child, with medications and dosages, doctors' names and phone numbers, and insurance companies' contact information in a safe place, and that both adults know exactly where it is.

Do not insist on the children calling you "Mom" or "Dad" if you are not their biological parent. They have already been through a traumatic experience in having their formerly secure home life destroyed. They already have a real mother or father. The most you can hope to be at this stage is a trusted friend.

At first, keep the rules limited and concentrate on major issues. A few suggested guidelines:

(a) No hitting, biting, kicking, or other physical violence.
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(b) Bad language is not allowed.

(c) The adult at home is the adult in charge, and must be obeyed. If the child strongly objects to what he is being asked to do, he may wait in his room until the other adult arrives, and plead his case with him (her). In this case, the spouses should make every effort to present a united front. Otherwise, the children soon learn they can play one against the other.

(d) Each child is responsible for one household chore daily. The penalty for missing should be decided beforehand and known to everyone.

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