by Terry Donelson

Created on: June 22, 2009

Ending a marriage, even one in which both you and your spouse are miserable, may be one of the hardest things you will ever do; this is especially true if children are involved. While, on some level, you might realize that you will be happier; that your life, as well as the lives of your children, will be better in the long run, you are still left to deal with the knowledge that you have failed as a spouse and/or a parent.

While some divorces are amicable, this is usually not the case; especially initially. There is frequently a huge mixed bag of feelings to deal with: hurt, anger, remorse, betrayal, sadness, blame, etc. Throw lawyers, custody and visitation, child support and/or alimony, and the distribution of property into the mix and you can have a mess of colossal proportions.

While it may take months or even years, most divorced couples with children eventually arrive at a place where they can, if not be great friends, at least peacefully co-exist on the same planet. Initial homicidal feelings are hopefully replaced with the knowledge that this person is, after all, your child's mother or father; and that you will have to deal with him/her on some level from now on.

For those of us who were fortunate enough to be young, childless, and poor at the time of our divorce things were, of course, far less complex. This was especially true in my case as my first marriage didn't last long enough for me to even see her without makeup. Still, even with no children and no property to speak of, many couples will still find things to fight over.

Once the fur has finally settled, however, and you have either moved into your own house or apartment or removed all of your ex's belongings from yours, make your place your own. To the person who possibly stays in the house or apartment you shared with you ex, my first suggestion is to replace all of your bedding and towels; if financially feasible, replace the entire bed. Next, if possible, paint the walls a different color, rearrange or even replace furniture that you are not that crazy about with pieces more to you liking. Find and purchase paintings, sculpture and/or other art pieces that reflect your individual taste. Isn't it nice to do all of these things just for you?

Everyone is different in the amount of alone time they require. And while there is nothing wrong with solitude, being freshly divorced or separated, you may feel somewhat rejected and vulnerable. If this is the case it is important

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