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Donna and I are very different though. Donna was very close to mama; her personality and looks were much like mama, so Donna became her darling, even with a little one around.

When my brother turned one year old, she left him behind like she had left Donna and me behind, and worked in a part-time job; we had a baby sitter, but I wanted to have the responsibility to look after him, and so I did. I played the mother's role: I gave him my love, passion and kindness - all the things that I was looking for from my mother - and which I thought neither of us was getting. We became very attached to each other and he was calling me MAMA!

~~ LEAVING WORK ~~

When she retired, she had a different type of attitude towards us; she looked after us very well; she was a good housewife and an inspiration for us. She was a little bit strict and prone to 'wearing the trousers' at home; she was so very organized that I felt as if we were in the army!

She was a good listener - she was always willing to try to solve our problems; my sister Donna confided in her, but, as for me, I don't know why I couldn't talk to her; the gap between us just became bigger and bigger as I grew older. I guess I was too close to my dad and always keeping the distance between my mama and me. As a teenager, I really needed someone to talk to, but there was always something which stopped me from opening my heart to her. I know my dad was always there for me, but I still needed my mama to kiss and cuddle me, smile at me every morning, or even look at me.

~~ WAS IT TOO LATE? ~~

I never asked her advice and I made so many decisions (one of them was very serious) without referring to her. In my arrogance, I thought I was right, but when it turned out that I was wrong, I paid the price for my mistakes.

When I decided to go to England, she wasn't very happy and she started to cry. It was the first time in my life that I had ever seen her cry! I was almost about to drop everything, change my mind, and come back home with her, but I guess I am very stubborn (in that, I am like my mother!); I left. I cried on the plane, and I cried for a whole week, every time I remembered my parents; I burst into tears. For the first time ever . . . I MISSED HER!

~~ RECONCILIATION ~~

When I returned to Spain, mama was waiting for me in the airport. I wasn't expecting her, but she explained that dad was not feeling very well. To be honest, I was surprised to see her, but pleased. She noticed and tried chatting me up all the way home; I enjoyed being with her and felt like a little child again! Finally I had her attention.

Since I came back to Spain, she has never let me feel forgotten. She has called me very day, visited me and even cooked for me when I feel lazy! We have talked, laughed, gone out shopping like a proper mother and daughter; have regular one-to-one chats; for the first time in years I FOUND MY MAMA! My relationship with my mama has become stronger; when I think about the past years, I feel guilty for wasting precious time trying to avoid her . . . so, after long years away from home; I have returned for my parents and with great hope that I can open a new leaf with my mother.

I have now regretted every single moment I wasted without her; I threw away a golden chance to feel my mama's love and caring heart.

Oh, Mama . . . Please, will you forgive me for not being there?

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