by Dolores Moore

Created on: June 22, 2009   Last Updated: June 23, 2009

From an early age, humans learn that to agree or comply with what others demand, will please those others and bring rewards, love and approval. The toddler who tidies away his toys, when really, he wants to stomp his feet, say "NO!" and go on playing, learns that doing that tidying, saying "yes," in effect, makes life a lot easier and more comfortable. The older child, who according to Piaget, has developed a moral understanding of right and wrong by around seven years of age, will derive satisfaction from pleasing those he or she loves, usually significant adults. In line with this programmed desire to please, there is an underlying fear that love or affection will be withheld if we fail to say "yes."

Socialization processes that instill good manners, politeness and regard for the needs of others, add to these underlying reasons for why we say yes when we want to say no. It is little wonder, that by the time we reach adulthood, refusing a request from anybody seems like an awfully selfish thing to do. We have become accustomed to putting the needs of others before our own; hence our reluctance to say "no."

This leads us into some unhappy situations, where stress and resentment build and honest communication goes out of the window. Once we can understand just why we say "yes" so often, perhaps we can begin to unlearn that programmed behavior and claim our rights. We can start to realize that saying "no" sometimes is about treating our own needs as equally important as those of others. If we can act on that realization in an assertive, honest and objective way, then maybe "no" can result in a positive outcome for everyone. The sky will not fall down and the love and affection will not be withdrawn.

Nobody wants to be regarded as a difficult, negative or unobliging person; we all recognize that cooperating with each other makes for a more pleasant and fruitful existence, in every aspect of our lives. But when you are asked to do something and you really want to say "no," first think about those reasons why you feel compelled to say "yes," then say "no" clearly and assertively.

One of the best ways to say "no" without hurting any-body's feelings or damaging a relationship, is to give your reasons why you are not going to agree to their request. Begin your response with the word "BECAUSE." Here are some examples to demonstrate how this works. And it really does.

Request: Can you take me shopping at ten in the morning?

Answer: BECAUSE I have a lot to do tomorrow,

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