by Starr Rathburn

Created on: June 22, 2009   Last Updated: October 24, 2010

Regret: Father's Day

Why can't we know when it's our last chance to say good-bye?

Last June, we told Dad on the phone, "Sorry we can't be there today for Father's Day, but we'll come for sure next year."

"No problem," he'd say. Dad always understood. We could hear the smile behind his words. He always thought the best of us. We were there to visit the next weekend and had a great time, as always, but the fact that we missed the day itself bothers me. Now tomorrow is Father's Day, but tomorrow is too late.

The next time I saw him after Father's Day was when he was in the hospital. And that was the last time. My only solace is that it'd become a conscious habit to say "I love you" every time we said good-bye, because I knew that someday ... someday, the day would come when I couldn't know at the time, that it would be the last time, the last chance.

When I answered the phone to hear: "Dad passed away today," I thought of all the times I'd promised myself to be there; next time. I never thought I could hurt so badly, so enveloped in remorse. Each Father's Day, each time his birth date passes, I'll feel that pain, that loss, all over again; grief that will only grow stronger each year.

Good-bye, Dad. I loved you so much. I'm glad I told you every time we said good-bye. I'm sorry, Dad. And I guess I'm sorry for myself, as well - that I couldn't know that last year was my final chance to spend Father's Day with you, my last chance to love you, to show you how much I loved you.

The trouble is, you never know when it will be your last chance to tell someone you love him, which day you'll say good-bye for the last time. Sometimes, you just have to cry; it's all you have left. Sometimes you have to write it all down, to allow yourself to release those feelings before your tears drown you. Although it's not easy to write while crying, while the tears flow, it can actually make me feel a bit better afterwards. Perhaps not immediately afterwards, but later, when there's been a chance to recover.

Maybe it's just the fact that I've finally admitted it to myself. Maybe by writing out my emotions, my regrets, my guilt, I can admit that I screwed up - that I made an error of such proportions that I can never forgive myself. A mistake that promises to hit hard every year on schedule, ever time I think of it. Regret is not being able to forgive yourself.

How does a person forgive herself? How do you forget one of your life's biggest mistakes? The error of believing "There's always next year, always enough time." Time to do the right thing, do what your conscience commands you is right. "There's always next year, next time we'll do it right, we'll celebrate together next year."

Now, there is no "next year." Next Year will never arrive, never come again. Next Year, there'll be no promises to make. Never again will I use the words "There's always next year." The day will come when you're wrong. And that is the day you'll never forgive yourself for - a day I'll never forgive myself for, a day I'll always view with sorrow.

Regret is when you've lost someone forever.

Regret means never being able to forgive yourself.

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