by Terry Donelson

Created on: June 20, 2009   Last Updated: June 21, 2009

If one does not feel he or she can have sex with a friend, my question would have to be - then just who do you feel you can or should have sex with - a person you don't especially care for? I don't even want to share a meal with someone I don't like.

"No" is of course the common response. "One should only have sex with someone you're emotionally involved with." Are you not emotionally involved with your friends? Or - "you should only have sex with someone you love." Ditto - I don't know how you feel about your friends, but I love mine; otherwise they wouldn't be my friends.

What most folks are referring to, however, when they use the word love is, of course, romantic love. "Sex should be reserved only for that person you are "romantically" involved with.

Way too much is made of sex. I've heard the arguments: "Sex is a slippery slope; sex is a one-way street that, once you go down, you can't go back; your friendship will be gone forever." I just don't buy it.

As a married man - one who wishes not only to retain that status but also to remain alive, I can honestly say that, at this point, having sex with another female would absolutely change the dynamics of the friendship I have with my wife; I would likely find my self divorced, dead and dismembered. But of course we're not talking here about married people.

Even among singles, however, jealousy, possessiveness and society's sanctity of sexual intercourse, often get in the way. For the purpose of this article I use the term "single" to imply unattached and not seriously involved; in other words, those who are not dating one person exclusively.

For many people, jealousy is an issue even when it comes to same sex friends. How many times have you called a friend and asked them to go somewhere or do something with you only to be told they had plans with someone else? You likely felt a little hurt; maybe a bit jealous. The thought that your friend would want to spend time with someone else probably even left you feeling somewhat rejected.

Toss sex into that scenario and, for many people, you can add murderous to that list of emotions. "I'm sorry, Allen, but I already have plans to spend the day having sex with John. Maybe we can get together next week." Allen will likely be not only a little peeved because his friend isn't available; he will probably spend the day imagining every thing his friend is doing with John, wondering is she's doing things with John that she doesn't do with him, questioning how he stacks up against John as a lover, etc.

My contention here is that our feelings toward sex are learned. Our society has taught us from the time we were very young that sex is some sort of sacred, mystical, emotionally charged act reserved only for those who are married; or at the very least "in love." Most of us, by the time we are young adults, however, realize that not everything we've been taught is necessarily true.

In today's world, one will certainly want to exercise caution. Unless you are in an exclusive, monogamous relationship, you will hopefully be responsible enough to practice safe sex. Having sex with a friend doesn't have to change the dynamics of the relationship, but a communicable disease or an unwanted pregnancy most certainly will.

Before becoming sexual with a friend, you should also be totally honest with one another; be on the same page. If you're not, there is the absolute possibility that somebody will end up getting hurt. This is good advice even for non-sexual friendships. Aren't communication, trust and honesty the mortar of any good friendship?

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