by Betty Bourquein

Created on: June 20, 2009   Last Updated: June 23, 2009

How to Be A Good Mother-in-Law

Familial relationships are never particularly easy so it is particularly satisfying when they work. For this relationship to work, both the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law or son-in-law must first have mutual respect for the other.

Respect is created when the daughter-in-law or son-in-law is fully accepted into the family as if she or he were born into that family. Inclusion is all of the family activities and discussions is of upmost importance. The mother-in-law should not just call or speak to her own child. She should value the opinion of her adopted daughter or son just as much as she does her natural born child.

Recognizing that the child is no longer a child but a mature adult is another requirement for being a good mother-in-law. The natural born offspring is no longer under the supervision of the parent. Neither is the wife or husband of that child. Although the younger generation may seek counsel from the parent, it is no longer the responsibility or the privilege for that parent to act as advice-giver. Putting requirements or expectations on the adult children just doesn't work.

Birthdays, anniversaries, Mother's Day or Father's Day are all times to remind the in-law child just how much they are appreciated or loved. This person should receive the same, if not more attention. They should be reassured that they are loved and valued. After all, the mother-in-law's son or daughter has chosen this mate. The mother-in-law should realize that this mate has more influence than the child's natural parent. Hence, the relationship between the two should be encouraged and strengthened.

When difficulties arise within the child's marriage, the mother-in-law should be silent as to whose fault it might be who has caused the problems. The mother-in-law should never be critical of either spouse. Difficulties between the couple are the couple's own to work out, not the mother's/mother-in-law's.

Developing friendships with the parents of the child's mate will improve the relationship even further. After all, it is likely that the two sets of parents will have something in common grandkids. Celebrating the differences in the grandparents while sharing the joys of grandparenting can only enrich the lives of everyone in the extended family. Although it may mean that one has to be flexible with scheduling of holidays and other activities, the benefits of developing a good relationship far outweigh any minor inconveniences. Jealousy in any relationship is destructive, but it is particularly destructive in familial relationships.

With just a little bit of effort and a whole lot of patience and forgiveness, the relationship between the mother and daughter or son-in-law can be so rewarding. To love that person for who she/he is one of the best gifts which one can give to your own child and his children.

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