by Robert Darmody

Created on: June 20, 2009

Assuring that you'll be able to gracefully pay a dinner tab is like successfully commiting suicide. You must first be sincere in the intention and then plan ahead. Those two elements are really all it takes.

Since there are many different types of restaurants, the planning must vary to suit conditions and intentions. Some would-be hosts might not be in attendance and want to be assured that everything will go as planned with the final surprise to be those golden four words: "You have no check." Other hosts, who plan on attending, simply don't want to deal with the Fumble Olympics. One of my favorites is the old comedy move: The guest who wants to avoid paying the check jumps up and firmly wrenches the folder from the server's hand. They open it, appear shocked, slap it closed and place it in front of the next most aggressive 'grabber' and say "I wouldn't pay that if I was you!"

As the fates would have it, restaurants catering to folks at a higher level and price are also easier to deal with for an ambitious host, because they accept reservations and almost always know where they've seated clients by name and reservation. In such an establishment, when making the reservation, include your credit card number and tell them the percentage of gratuity you wish to be added. Instruct them that you are to be given your receipt at the door upon your departure. If you really want to show some class, have a larger denomination bill folded in your hand to exchange with the maitre d' for your receipt. No arguments, no fumbling no embarrassment will result because of the four golden words.

Suppose the group is supping in a high volume place that doeasn't accept reservations. This requires a little more stealth. Your first move should be to always get the phone number of the place in advance! If it isn't possible because of a last minute consensus on where to go, you'll need even more stealth.

As soon as possible after arrival, perhaps while waiting for seating, excuse yourself to head for the restroom. Out of sight of the rest of the group, snag the first staff member you can and let them know you want to see a manager quickly. When (God Willing) the management person arrives let them know the score. Tell them how many people and that you are waiting. Give them a credit card or some engraved pictures of Ben Franklin, tell them the tip percentage and that you want the four golden words spoken after dessert and your receipt or change on the way

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