by Justine Southwick

Created on: June 20, 2009

I'm going through a self-imposed exile from the dating world at the moment. After many years of jumping from one man to the next, trying to be everything to each of them and forgetting who I was in the process, I've decided enough is enough.

I'm thoroughly enjoying my own company and am really happy being on my own. It's about time. Never giving myself time in between boyfriends hasn't done me any good. Right now I have several guys asking me out. They're all nice guys but all I feel like doing is crawling into a hole and ignoring them. I can't deal with the pressure and I need to figure out what I actually feel. My emotions have been so screwed over the past few years that I don't trust them anymore. I meet someone, really like them, but that fades quickly and I don't trust that it won't. I need to clear my head and start being true to myself.

So I've decided not to date anyone for a while. I can't truly figure out who I am and what I feel if things are being clouded by one man or other. I need to stand on my own two feet completely for a while. I'm tired of having male friends who always want more and end up making me feel uncomfortable. I want to build up my female friendships and concentrate on myself. That way when the man of my dreams shows up I'll be ready.

With that in mind, I recently spent a night away on my own. I went to a ski town I've passed through a few times but never stopped in, and it was great. The drive down there was a lot of fun. I turned the music up loud so it was just me, the mountain scenery and the road. I felt so free.

On arrival I went to the nearest bar for dinner and to watch a football match. It was pretty busy but I didn't talk to anyone other than the bartenders and the guy who asked if he could take two of the chairs at my table. I spent the whole 90 minutes sitting on my own, drinking and eating chips and watching the game.

I've never been one for hanging out alone in bars so, while it felt a little weird being on my own in a crowded bar, mostly it felt great. Made me feel strong and independent that I could do it by myself, and proved that I'm really happy in my own company. It's a good place to be in, I think, and I'm determined to keep it that way. Confidence is so attractive, after all.

Back at home, I'm enjoying throwing myself into my work, spending a lot of time at the gym outside those hours, and concentrating on my writing. I'm happy and for perhaps the first time in my life I feel that I'm complete without a man. I'm very proud of myself and I know I've moved a step closer to being the person I want to be.

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