There are so many things that I want to say to you but I know I never will. I keep my true feelings hidden deep within out of respect for you. If there was anything my grandparents every taught me, it was to respect my parents. For so many years, I tried to be the child you wanted but I finally realized that no matter what I did or didn't do, I would never be the person you wanted me to be. Perhaps, that is because you could never find it within yourself to accept me unless I was just like you.
I guess if I could ask you one question, it would be, why did you have me? You knew my dad never wanted kids but yet here I am. I knew something was wrong when you gave me away when I was so young. Yes, you came back and got me, but what you don't realize is that you ruined my life when you did that. I had a good life. You knew that when you gave me to your parents, that they would take care of me. They gave me the one thing you have never been able to give me, unconditional love.
When you came to take me home with you, my world fell apart. How could you expect me, a five year old child, to adapt to a new home with a parent I barely knew and a new step-dad at the same time? How could you let him beat me for eight long years and pretend like nothing was happening. You were not there to protect me when I needed you, but you claimed you loved me. Where were you when my step-brother molested me? How could you keep me a situation like that when you knew what was going on? I know you were scared of being alone, of being a single parent, but you sacrificed me for your own happiness. The sad part is, even you weren't happy. You didn't marry for love. You married for a paycheck and to avoid living alone.
I will never forget all those years that I suffered. I am still haunted by memories of the bruises and sprained arms. Memories of being beaten with fists and pushed through walls still haunt my dreams. Where were you when I needed you? I have tried for so many years to explain your absence and come to terms with what you did to me. But, the unavoidable truth is that you were there, you watched it all happen and yet, you did nothing to help me.
I was scared to death when you had my sister. The thought of her going through the same thing as me, kept me awake at night worrying. Then, when you brought her home from the hospital and expected me to take care of her and raise her, it was more than I was prepared to deal with. I was only twelve. The one thing I have to give you credit for was getting us away when he started to hit her too. The only problem was that you took over where he left off. I am thankful that it was me you beat and not her. She was so little and unable to understand why, let alone defend herself. I tried to take care of her and keep her safe, I just wasn't old enough to raise a small child. All of these years I have felt like I failed my sister. Yet, as time went by, I realized that you would not hit her as you hit me. For that I am grateful.
You will never know how much you hurt me when you left me in Florida after grandpa's funeral. I was left with relatives that I did not know and had been taught to fear. You didn't even have the nerve to tell me until you were ready to leave. I felt so abandoned and unloved. My only saving grace was that my aunt and uncle turned out to be the complete opposite of everything I was ever told about them. They may have been strict, but they taught me a lot that summer. They taught me to love myself and that I did deserve to live and be loved. Most of all they gave me unconditional love. When you made me come home, you tore my world apart again. It wasn't me that you wanted, it was a babysitter.
As I got older and began to pursue my own hopes and dreams, you couldn't stand to see me happy. Every time I accomplished something that was important to me, you found a way to ruin it. It seemed that the further I withdrew into myself, the happier you were. Why couldn't you give me the moral support I needed? Not once did you hug me and tell me you were proud of me. All I ever received was criticism. For so long, I heard how useless I was and that I was the biggest mistake you ever made that I believed it myself. For so many years, I didn't want to go on living.
Now that I have said everything I wanted to say, I have one thing to say. Thank you. Thank you for showing me the kind of mother I never want to be. Now that I have kids of my own, I know the kind of mother I want to be. I want to be the mother that is always there when her children need her. The kind that will love her kids no matter what they do or don't do. I will never miss a chance to hug them and tell them I love them. Their accomplishments will bring me happiness and pride. When they fail, I will be there to wipe their tears and encourage them to try again.
The last thing I want to make sure that I tell you is, through it all, I love you. When you are gone, I will miss you. I can also say that I after everything I have been through, I can not bring myself to hate you. I freely give you the one thing you could never gave me, unconditional love.