by Robin Eads

Created on: June 19, 2009   Last Updated: August 21, 2009

I have been in search of happiness for a long time. While raising my son as a single mother, I thought, " if I could just find a husband, someone who wanted both of us, then I'd be happy." I found one but he didn't bring happiness. Instead, he brought strife. In fact, I've made many wrong decisions when it came to partners - partly because I was so desperate for someone to actually want me. Never thinking, "whoever ends up with me should be damn lucky!" I guess for most of my life I've been seeking some sort of validation, attention or acceptance from someone - from anyone! It has really created nothing but havoc for me in my adult life. I had a husband that would chastise me at every turn for all of my flaws; to the point that I wondered, "what does he even like about me?" I became depressed, thinking I was worthless and that no matter what I did for him it was never good enough. The thought of living the rest of my life this way made me fantasize about driving off of an overpass on my way home from work every day. If I was sure about anything, I was sure that this was not happiness.

Now like any wife/mother, I struggled with this decision to strike out, and make myself happy. This meant breaking up the family. How happy were the kids anyway? We fought all the time. What was I teaching them about love? If I decide that I no longer want this marriage, does that make me selfish, like he says? I decided it did not. I decided that my children were far better off with a happy mother, than a depressed one. I decided that life was entirely too short to live in misery because I made a mistake in judgment.

It was time to put aside the fear, dig out from the misery and be myself again.

It wasn't until my separation from my husband that I began to recognize what I was doing to myself. I was flying out on business one morning, when a flight attendant said, "Place the oxygen mask on yourself first, before assisting your children." EUREKA! I have to be happy - with myself - before I can recognize what happiness really is or love anyone the way that they deserved to be loved. I would have to be happy with myself before I would attract anyone worthy of my time or attention.

I came to realize a few things along my journey. I learned that happiness isn't a possession. Happiness is a state of being. Happiness is being yourself, without fear of repercussion or permission. I have lived most of my life trying to make people like me, not recognizing that I really like myself!

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