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Reasons why you shouldn't spank

by Crystal Bustamante

Perhaps one of the greatest parenting debates of our time involves the use of corporal punishment. It has for the most part been a very heated debate from the beginning with advocates of spanking declaring that it is a personal family matter and should be left up to the individual parents to use the methods that work best with their children. On the other hand, opponents have gone as far as declaring that spanking should be made illegal. Effectively declaring that any form of corporal punishment is child abuse and should be treated as such.

The purpose of this article is to briefly discuss a few of the main reasons why a parent should not spank their child and to provide you with some alternatives to use in disciplining your child. However, before we begin, I would like to explain the difference between punishment and discipline. By laying this foundation, you will be able to better understand why a parent or caregiver should never spank a child.

Punishment, according to Webster, is "any pain, suffering or loss inflicted on a person because of a crime or offense". One does not have to look any farther than the successful rehabilitation rate of state and federal prisons to realize that while punishment is a deterrent for some, it is rarely a strong motivator in getting people to choose right from wrong.

In the same light, spanking, when used as corporal punishment, may deter or stop the offense briefly; however, it is rarely a successful means of changing the behavior. Many children, especially young children, will commit the same offense in the future.

Discipline, on the other hand, is defined as: "training to act in accordance with rules". The main goal of discipline is training the child to choose behavior that is both acceptable and appropriate. Another goal of discipline is to instill in children the necessary morals to aid them in making right decisions throughout life. As a parent, your main goal should be to discipline your children and not simply punish offenses.

If this your goal, the following is a list of reasons why spanking your child will not help you acheive that goal:

Spanking tends to be an outside motivator with very little, if any, internal results.

When I was a child there was a belt hanging on the kitchen wall that served as a constant reminder that my mother expected us to behave. While the belt rarely came down off the wall, we were always consciencely aware of it. As a result, there were many behaviors that I learned were unacceptable around my mother; unfortunately, I had no motivation to not commit those "offenses" when no one was looking. It took many years for me to become motivated to change some of these behaviors and thought-patterns. By that time, I was an adult with children of my own.

Spanking teaches children to hide mistakes.

While disciplining children when they have made a mistake instills in them the necessary tools to make a better choice in the future, spanking has the opposite effect. Many times, the message that children receive is that they should hide their mistakes from mom or dad. When this happens, your opportunity, as a parent, to teach your child disappears.

I have a six-year-old that will lie to me about his behavior if he feels that I will punish him. However, when he realizes that mom is not mad, he will tell me the truth. When this happens, I am able to discuss with him why he made a bad choice and what things would have been better alternatives.

Spanking does not teach any new behaviors.

Instead of using the moment to help your child learn how to act in the future, spanking simply stops the behavior that is undesirable. I may not want my nine-year-old going to the grocery store by himself but if I choose to spank him for his disobedience instead of disciplining him, I am giving up the opportunities to discuss the dangers of impulsive, reckless actions with him. All my child hears is: "mom is mad" or "she thinks I am a baby".

Spanking removes any guilt that a child feels regarding their action.

When a parent spanks their child, they take away any guilt that the child may associate with their action because the "crime" has already been paid for. While not all children will spend time thinking about the reprecussions of their action, most children are capable of realizing that they made a bad choice.

Clearly, there are number of reasons to not spank your child; however, as you can see, the greatest reason is that it robs the parent of the opportunity to discipline and the child of the opportunity to learn. There are several alternatives that a parent can use when their child misbehaves.

The three best options, in my opinion, are:

Time-outs

This form of discipline works for most children from the time they are toddlers until they reach their teen years, although you will need to adjust the length of the time-out to fit your child's age. As a rule, a 30 minute time-out will not work for a toddler. Two minutes may be more appropriate. Longer time-outs for older children may be needed depending on the offense in order to give them an opportunity to think about what they did wrong.

Grounding

Grounding generally works for older children and teenages. The length and the severity of the grounding should be determined by the gravity of the offense.

Loss of privileges

This technique generally works for all children, although it may be more effective for older children and teenagers. It is also important to choose something that is important to the child. It makes little sense to take away a child's bike for two months in the middle of winter when there is snow on the ground and they are unable to use it anyway.

With any form of discipline, it is important to develop a plan with your children and follow through on it. You may want to sit down with your children as a family and develop a list of rules and establish the appropriate disciplinary actions that breaking the rules will bring. For most children, knowing the rules beforehand is a deterrent in itself.

It is also important to discuss why each rule is important. And if an infraction does occur, discuss with your child what has happened and alternative ways to handle the situation in the future.