by C L Smith

Created on: June 18, 2009   Last Updated: June 20, 2009

The 'best bathing suit'. Finally. What we have all been waiting for: the ultimate oxymoron.

Who are we fooling? Do you want to talk about night sweats? Forget about menopause. Nothing keeps up woman up at night like knowing that the next day she must shed her clothing, don a swimsuit, and expose her cellulite, saddle bags, and love handles. Most women can't even say the word swimsuit without immediately confronting their 'flight or fight' instincts.

If a poll were taken today, 99.9999% of the population of women regardless of race, religion, creed or national origin, would state that the best bathing suit is no bathing suit. The opinions of the remaining .00001% don't count in that this population consists only of models on the covers of magazines. These are the individuals who have the enormous psychological benefit of the technological slimming of their behinds, the enhancement of their breasts, and the sucking in of their mid-sections This is also the portion of the swimsuit-wearing population that, in statistical jargon, would be categorized as 'out-liers', (elements of a population that are incredibly distant from the normal sample of women as to be deemed unreasonable) and therefore, automatically eliminated from the population of swimsuit wearing women. No matter what spin the White House spin doctors give related to this particular best swimsuit subject, there are the only two nice and neat little categories of swimsuit wearing women: models that are paid to wear swimsuits and the rest of us who would pay anything to avoid wearing a swimsuit.

Normal women, unlike our model sisters, have neither the time nor the reason to exchange one day at the beach looking svelte and tan for a lifetime of standing in line for a restroom to practice anorexia or bulimia or sitting in a doctor's waiting room for the treatment thereof. We normal women prefer to spend the time we have experiencing panic attacks as we stand in the grocery store check-out lane browsing the articles written solely to assist us in our purchase of the perfect swimsuit. We prefer to click away our minutes on earth, delving deeper and deeper into swimsuit articles that are strategically placed in magazine after magazine in order to assuage our fears of making a decision with potentially more disastrous side effects than identifying the wrong summer camp for our children or even voting yes when we should have voted no for nuclear proliferation.

But regardless of the seeming insignificance

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