by Lisa Doherty

Created on: June 16, 2009   Last Updated: June 17, 2009

Happiness is a choice no matter what the situation or external factors apply, however, having said that, it must be acknowledged that parenting is one of the greatest stressors on a relationship. While the juggling act of rearing children and keeping them happy and healthy seems to be the number one priority, neglecting the primary relationship between husband and wife will certainly lead to unhappy children in the long run. So, how do we manage to protect this essential component upon which everything else is hinged? Here are a few suggestions:

15 Minutes: Once a day, set 15 minutes aside to sit with your spouse. It may be after the babies are in bed or after dinner, depending on the ages of the children. During that time, no business is discussed and the children may not interrupt or interact with either of you. This exercise works especially well with older children who are allowed to be in the room, playing or doing their own thing but who understand and agree that this is your time. The value is two-fold.

It allows you to focus on the other person completely, validating both of your feelings. You can make your own list of things to talk about, but the rule should be that nothing negative can be said during this time. Topics may include things like: My favorite moment today was...I really liked it when this happened......You were really helpful when......

You can see why this precious one on one time must be kept free of bill talk, negativity, etc. And, after all, shoptalk can wait 15 minutes, right?

Keeping this time free of interruption from the kids will teach them that Mom and Dad value each other, as well as them. They need to see and hear adults talking in positive ways, discussing and intentionally loving each other. Think of the valuable lesson that this will teach them about how to negotiate and handle their own relationships as adults. They learn best in the actions they see exhibited on a daily basis at home.

UNITY: I place this in bold because divide and conquer is what children seem to be hard-wired to do and this tactic is a great stress on marital happiness. Agree in advance that no matter what, you will not let them play, "Mom said I could", with either of you. If one party or the other must make a decision, consult the other spouse first. And, if an impasse occurs, there must be one or the other who will have the deciding vote. This teaches children the act of negotiation, compromise and yes, concession. They will not always win and

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