by Brandy Seay

Created on: June 15, 2009   Last Updated: June 18, 2009

Why do some people seek conflict in their relationships? I believe this comes down to self-worth. Whether it stems from growing up in a volatile home or a person just does not believe they deserve to be happy. For instance, if a person while growing up their home was hostile and not nurturing, then the hostility becomes the norm. They do not know how to communicate their feelings in a healthy way because they only know screaming or insults.

1. Screaming is the norm:

Let's say that "Jane" grew up listening to her father always putting her mother down for everything. The house was never clean enough, dinner was never good enough and why did she have to dress like that? Didn't she care about herself? Jane grows up and meets a guy; she makes him dinner but doesn't know that the dish she slaved over was not his favorite. Do you like dinner she asks, he responds with its ok, trying not to hurt her feelings. Jane all of a sudden remembers her Daddy always fussing and Jane flies off the handle, throwing dinner in the trash. This catastrophe could have been avoided with communication but Jane doesn't know how to communicate.

2. I'm just not worth it:

Jane has an older sister Jenna who is very pretty, athletic, and at the top of her class. Jane is average looking and not very athletic or so her mother tells her every day. Things always seem to come easy to Jenna, she has a handsome boyfriend and lots of friends. Jane has grown up in the shadow of her older sister and secretly wants to be just like her but hates her at the same time. Jane grew up having to fight for her parent's attention or so she felt. Fast forward through time and now Jane is all grown up. She has little to no self esteem and has grown bitter. The only way she knows to get attention is to cause an argument. Bad attention is better than no attention at all, is how she feels.

So I believe that living for conflict comes from something detrimental that happens to you in your childhood. Parents need to teach their children that everyone argues but it needs to be done with rules and in a healthy way. Anyone who is in a relationship, whether it is a marriage or a friendship is going to have a difference of opinion, but it is how you handle the difference that will make it a conflict or not. Hopefully, these people will find the right person or therapist who is patient and nurturing, who can help them.

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