by Stanley W. Shura

Created on: June 14, 2009   Last Updated: June 15, 2009

On Hitting Walls and Being Misunderstood, and Other Things that Make Me Want to Die

I'm tired of having to struggle every day just to be marginallly understood. It isn't fair, and nobody can tell me at this particular moment that it's "just the cards you've been dealt" or that "life is not fair" without walking away holding their gushing nose with one hand, and a handful of their teeth in the other.

Good thing I'm by myself right now then, huh?

Right. If only. If I had even half the guts it would take to make that "mistake" of physically hitting back, I'd be better off in life. I don't have those guts. I don't have the guts to make 5 or 10 or 20 phone calls to "get 'er done". I don't even have the focus to do THAT. Nor do I have the focus to even know that that's what needs to be done, let alone execute such a miraculously made and decided plan of action should such the rare moment happen upon me.

I am gifted. And I am stupid. I am "incredibly intelligent", and yet I'm not even smart enough to "read between the lines" enough to stay out of trouble - occupational, educational, familial, even legal.

It is not my fault.

And that doesn't matter.

It does not matter.

I wonder why that is. Is it the whole "greater good" thing where the right thing for one person, the dignity and respect and opportunity due and decently believed to be attainable, should be sacrificed to the accomplishment of the prideful satisfaction of those in power who, after all, have that power to make things good or bad for the greater masses?

Does pissing off one in authority, and risking his subsequent ego-driven evil in response, mean that a better person throws himself down to appease those who wield the power?

Does one's silence in the face of daily confusion, even when that confusion compromises his availability as a person, as a professional, as a teacher, as a family member, as a member of society in general and participant in this lifespan that is temporary anyway mitigate, or does it aggravate, his own suffering?

What do you do when you can't bear to wait? How do you pass the time? How do you make a plan or find a solution? How do you use that time that never seems to be there when you DO need it, to help you make things happen and work and resolve - and just plain BETTER - when you DO have that chance?

In other words, how do you live?

I think I'm getting a little tired of waiting for the answer.

I don't have the will to survive. I don't have the guts to die, either.

Sometimes I think I do.

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