by Dionne Mahaffey

Created on: June 14, 2009

What is unconditional love - and why is it so elusive?

Unconditional-love is love without expectation of reciprocity. It's love that sets no boundaries, places no restrictions and has no intent to control.

Many aspire to give (and receive) this love, but it's a challenging thing for most of us to accomplish.

The reason, say experts, is that as adults, we've been conditioned to dwell mostly in our thinking minds, rather than in our hearts and emotions.

Children, especially young siblings, are good role models for expressing unconditional love. Despite what squabbles occur, their bond is unbroken; their interactions continue with no lingering damage or sense of hesitancy in engaging deeply and joyfully in their continuing connection.

Instead, we grownups have allowed analysis to overtake feelings. To ignore the mind-body connection that can help us achieve unconditional love.

Opening up to unconditional love can start with simple steps, such as deep breathing and meditation, says Eric Bonnici, author of "Unconditional Love: Understanding the Psychology and Embodied Daily Life Practice of Unconditional Love."

Eckhart Tolle, the celebrated spiritual advisor, agrees that those steps can help us find stillness, which he also calls awareness, a state in which we can acknowledge thoughts that may be preventing us accepting and offering unconditional love. Ideally, we should allow the judging thoughts to flow through, but not to take hold.

In his book, "The Power of Now," Tolle describes this as breaking free of our thinking ego which seeks to control, which is programmed to do.

Understanding that we are more than our thoughts, that the sensations and emotions we feel are just as valid - perhaps even more valuable! - will help us manage our thinking minds and act out of our true intent.

And this, say both experts, is an inherent craving for caring and connection, to which we all are entitled.

Not only is unconditional love universal, it's applicable to all relationships: our family, our friends and our romantic relationships.

"Even if the other person does something that you feel is intentional, it is overlooked if you are truly committed to unconditional love," says Bonnici. "You do not try to control the actions of the other person, nor do you tell them that you will not love them if they act a certain way or do a certain thing."

Persistence is key to rebuilding the mind-body connection and giving it the priority it deserves for us to achieve harmony and happiness.

And we need to be kind to ourselves while pursuing it: In order to offer unconditional love to others, we first need to provide it to ourselves.

We should be "nonjudgmental towards oneself during period of apparent failure or lack of progress, "Bonnici counsels. "Gradually [we'll] become more grounded in the body and learn how to release felt sensations instead of becoming entangled with resistance and defensiveness."

As the song goes, if we love somebody (including ourselves), set them free.

Learn more about this author, Dionne Mahaffey.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.