by Taylor Divico

Created on: June 13, 2009

My days would be happy, as I would sit hand in hand with the love of my life, elated to be alive, to be in each other's presence, to be floating on a cloud that never seemed mine to float on, and there I was not feeling a visitor, but a resident of the good life and just as I would begin to feel indebted to the universe for all that it gave me, it would happen and the depression that would follow would rot away at any security and prospect of happiness . Without him I felt nothing, terrorized by a numbness so vast it engulfed my every second. What I had lost was hope and future. He was gone and so was my future. I wouldn't be able to see the road ahead for a great while nor would I anticipate anything but loss. Why should I work on getting closer and forming a bond with my daughter when she too would be taken from me as my mother and my husband were. My trust in fate had dissipated. That was my every thoughtmy little princess, so beautiful, so gentle just as they were my mom and Dax. She too would be taken from me at some point. It seemed the inevitable.

Take her Maggie! Pleasetake her! She's not meant to be mine, I would plead day in and day out while my best friend would sit by my bedside force feeding me, rocking me, and drugging me, bathing me as if I were her own child and carrying me into bed, singing lullabies until my zombie pills kicked in. Maggie would cry at the absence of her beloved best friend, as she sat there holding a stranger in her arms, a skeleton of what used to be. Every morning, she came into my room at the same time, frantically searching for razor blades, unfamiliar pills, rope, or a letterthe letter, only to find me rocking back and forth speechless, gray and hollow.

Oh Miasweet Mia. C'mon honey, let's get up and get dressed.

I would rock back and forth, shaking my head no.

Yes, today is the day, she would say in her most optimistic voice. She would pick me up from the bathroom floor and help me to get my clothes on, open the blinds to let in the light, crack the window to allow the air to circulate in my stagnant and dreary cave.

Take her MaggieTake her.

No, Mia. She is yours, your daughter. She only wants you. Nobody else.

Please, I would beg in a tearful bout, clenching her hands like a pauper of the feudal days, begging for a loaf of bread and coming out of my catatonic state long enough to be adamant about my

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