by Faye Westlake Newman

Created on: June 13, 2009   Last Updated: June 14, 2009

Bonding with a cat is a heartwarming experience. One of the most uplifting videos I have ever received in my e-mail was a tale of a young cat bonding with a fawn. The video shows, in a very moving way, how one bonds with a cat.

Bonding with a cat can be boiled down to one word: trust. That said, it becomes necessary to admit that the word encompasses a lot of boiling down. No one who has ever owned, been owned by, or befriended a cat will deny that cats are individuals, each with his or her own distinct personality. In fact, a person really doesn't bond with a cat. One allows the cat to do the bonding.

A kitten, fresh from the pet store or shelter or the home of a friend, is completely helpless in its new owner's hands. No one knows that better than the kitten. The first step, then, toward building trust, is to pledge that no contact between you and the cat will ever be other than gentle and kind. From the first day, all touches and interactions must be made with soft hands.

That sounds like a superfluous statement, but it's not always easy. Cats need medication, vaccination, and occasionally, baths. They need grooming, flea treatment, and training. No one wants the cat, however beloved, to leap into the middle of the Thanksgiving Day feast. Nor are we pleased with a cat who shreds the furniture. Nevertheless, it is possible to accomplish these necessary interactions with soft, loving hands. As you do, the kitten will come to understand that treatments and training are an acceptable part of life, and compliance with your wishes will become easier.

Compliance is not bonding. Before the two of you bond, you must be able to interpret 'cat language.' Since 95% of cat language is silent, you'll have to observe. You'll have no trouble learning when she's mad at you. She'll respond by turning her back, refusing to be petted, avoiding you. When something you're doing is mildly irritating, perhaps her tail will whip, or jerk. The more irritating you are, the more active her tail becomes. Respond to her statement; let her know you care enough to pay attention to her needs and wants.

By the way, training a cat not to scratch the furniture is best accomplished by consistently telling her, in a firm and not pleasant voice, not to scratch, every time. Never reward her by giving her what she wants, or in any other way. In fact, turn your back, or refuse to pay attention to her. It works when she does it to you.

If you're watchful, she'll tell you more. Perhaps when you ask her to come closer for a pet, she plays coy, ducking her head while looking up at you. She may be a cat who likes petting, but doesn't like to be held. Let her come near without picking her up. If she then comes to you often, you've understood her.

I'm saying 'perhaps' because cat dialog is as individual as each cat's personality. One cat loves to spend her time in your lap, and will lie there purring as long as you let her. You can pet her all over. Another wants you to scratch her head, but never get near her tail. Only by watching her reaction will you know.

As she comes to trust you, she will happily come when you call, even if she then goes back to whatever she was doing. She will lie near you as you work, rub against your ankles, and just spend time with you. You've accomplished that by learning to honor her wishes as well as expecting her to honor yours. You've built a bond based on trust.

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