by Samantha Millership

Created on: June 13, 2009   Last Updated: February 15, 2010

I have recently had a rather nasty encounter with a watermelon. My husband and I travelled far and wide in the search for this exotic and mysterious fruit. I have never tried one before and was more than a trifle curios as to what these melons of water tasted like. Eventually, after traversing treacherous mountain trails and enduring the bitter winds of Lancashire, my husband managed to locate this rare and seemingly endangered rotund curiosity. At a princely sum of 250 fine English pennies, my husband purchased the lesser spotted water melon before making the long and arduous journey home from the supermarket. Our goal was to produce a fruited salad to satisfy a king, and comprised of fine fruits such as apple, pineapple, banana, blueberries and of course, the piece de resistance; The Water Melon of curiosity. My initial reaction upon tasting the large, spherical fruit with the eerie consistency was 'holy toledo Batman, it tastes like cucumber!' Cucumber is in fact, the vilest abomination of a vegetable ever to grace this fine planet. It was The Devil himself who invented cucumber sandwiches. He bewitched weak minded English spinsters to place slivers of the green monster between two slices of bread and serve it up to unsuspecting visitors who thought they were about to eat a delicious sandwich. Of course the visitors had no choice but to politely spit it out into their nicely folded handkerchiefs, and if they accidentally swallowed some, they would vomit all over her Axeminster carpet. ....

It surely must be a mistake that a fruit can taste like the Cucumber of Death! And that's not the worst of it. Never in my thirty *cough cough* years on the planet have I ever witnessed such an almost supernatural amount of pips! And they hide! Oh yes! You think you have plucked out all the slippery little blighters, only to find tens of hundreds lurking in your bowl of fruit salad! I lie not! They run right through the entire melon, like multiple thread veins in old ladies' legs. In fact there are so many pips inside this abominable Cucumber-fruit, I think the powers that be should rename it to 'water pip'.....

Of course if one should ingest one or more of these dangerous melons-in-waiting, there would be trouble. Everybody knows that if you eat an apple pip, an apple tree will grow in your stomach. It will then outgrow the confines of your body and explode, shattering every single bone and re-decorating your walls with your internals and they will have to scrape bits of you off the ceiling. I know this is true because my Grandmother told me, and Grandmothers don't lie to small, impressionable children. There are two possible outcomes to swallowing melon pips. If you are very lucky and a melon tree does not erupt inside your body, it has to pass through the body. Melon pips are most indigestible and cannot be penetrated by teeth, so they have no choice but to pass directly out of one's posteria. You will then have to endure the agony of a knobbly, pippy poo and it would be most unpleasant, so under no circumstances must you ever swallow a pip of any variety, because there will be dire consequences.....

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