First off, it isn't fast. And neither are the people who render it. So throw the name out. It's counterfeit and archaic.

Jack in the Box the speaker clown started this whole thing. Now he wears business suits and heads a corporation; if the commercials are to be believed. The only thing corporations can do fast, is to make consumers' money disappear in a shell game of rising prices and shrinking products and services. In n' Out is a popular California based burger chain once famous for getting you on your way quickly with the speaker gimmick and a short, simple menu. Those were the days alright. It should be re-named now: 'In n' Wait.'

Nowadays long lines of cars in a symphony of rumbling engines and stomachs are commonly seen winding around so-called fast food operations of all types. Why? Because most of the people making and bagging the food can't efficiently get around each others' fat asses. Assembly line sytle eateries promote obesity on both sides of the counter; which accounts for slowed service over the years. When you pay people peanuts, they'll start to resemble elephants. Big surprise! If you don't want to take my word for it, some of you belly up to the window types can roll out from under your steering wheels and waddle on in for a look.

They're paid with low wages, high sounding titles and big discounts on food. The reason you can't understand them on the speaker anymore isn't due to an accent but because of a mouth that's busy chewing on a macho burrito. Oh, and that static you think you're hearing in the background? Its the sucking sound of the last few drops of chocolate shake.

Ever wonder how is it that the 18 layer burrito, chil-cheese fries and Butterfinger blizzard crowd has the patience to wait in those humming, gaseous lines for so long? They are trapped! They're blocked from escape on both sides. A long curb blocks the passenger side preventing escape in the car. The building is on the driver side. Many of the obese can't open the door wide enough to get out. It would be like pulling a watermellon out of a glove compartment.

By the time they finally get lunch and make a get away, it's time to gas-up again and start hunting for a place to pull in and wait for dinner.

Why of course the restaurants cause obesity, by causing long confinement without exercise in order to serve up fat, carb and calorie rich victuals for employees and customers alike. There is no more need for shopping and walking around the market, no hauling groceries to the car, no hauling them into the house and putting them up, no cooking, washing dishes or putting them away, no cleaning up and especially no need to haul 'one's own bacon' anywhere. If it wasn't for exercise required to search out restrooms, some folks would get no activity at all.

I hope nobody ever popularizes 'fast visit' restrooms or we'll be in for an uncomfortable future of noisy, gaseous lines of another sort. Can you imagine the questions and background sounds coming over those speakers?

Learn more about this author, Robert Darmody.
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