by J. Marie Ruen

Created on: June 11, 2009

Low self-esteem is the beginning point of a cycle of negative self-communication that results in life choices that only further damage self-esteem. Many sufferers of low self-esteem or depression speak to themselves in ways that border on abusive. Often that same person would never tolerate a stranger speaking to another in such a way.

Sufferers of low self-esteem often are unaware they are caught in this cycle, because it happens so quickly and without thought. They are only aware of the painful negative feelings that result.

This pain should be the first clue that something is wrong. The question to ask is, "Why am I hurting right now?" Stop and gently explore the nature of the emotional hurt. Sometimes emotional pain comes as a reaction to an external event such as being stood up for a date, or getting a flat tire. Either of these things can cause distress, which can be the spark for negative self-talk:

"I'm completely unlovable. Nobody likes me. Nobody wants to spend time around me."

"Why do bad things always happen to me? I'm an idiot for not checking my tires before I left. My day is ruined."

At times, however, negative self-communication isn't triggered by any one event; rather, it is part of ongoing subconscious negative chatter. This chatter interacts subtly with everything a person does.

"I'm going to lose my job. I'm a terrible employee. I do lousy work. Nobody at work likes me. My boss hates me. I can tell they don't approve of anything I do."

There is a way to stop negative self-talk and break that cycle of negative self-communication, in order to help heal fragile self-esteem and repair self-image. The process uses straightforward questions and observations to take away the power of these messages and replace them with facts.

There are 6 steps to stopping a negative thought:

1. Identify the thought. What is the thought that is feeding into the negative communication cycle and causing distress? For instance, "I'm completely unlovable."

2. Identify what supports the negative thought. Often this is part of the negative self-talk. "I was stood up for my date. Nobody has called me today. I don't have a large circle of friends. I'm still single."

3. Find other reasons that could explain those supporting messages with a more positive tone. Even if they don't turn out to be true, logic requires theories. "My date could have forgotten. There could have been an emergency. Maybe my friends are waiting for me to call. My date is rude and thoughtless."

4. Identify evidence that disproves the negative thought. Logic and observation looks at facts from both sides. "This was the first time I've ever been stood up. Several friends have text messaged me today. My circle of friends is small, but we are very close. My family loves me. "

5. Now having all the facts, weigh whether there is sufficient proof to support the negative thought. Most times, support for the negative thought disappears when faced with the light of reason and logic.

6. Craft a new statement to replace the negative thought. "I got stood up for my date, but that doesn't say anything about me as a person. It says that my date was rude. "

The process seems awkward at first, but with practice it becomes second nature. Sometimes it helps to write the questions and answers out in a journal at first. This is especially helpful with recurring thoughts; the arguments will already be there for future reference.

Persistence will strengthen the protective voice of reason, so whenever the hurtful voice of low self-esteem tries to launch the cycle of negative self-communication, it will be shut down before it even gets started.

Learn more about this author, J. Marie Ruen.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.