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Satire: Want to be perfect? There's a procedure for that

by Russell Linton

Created on: June 11, 2009

Hi! I'm Billy Haze and I'm here to tell you about a wonderful new product that is so original, so groundbreaking, so earth shattering it can only be called "The Wondernator"! The Wondernator is designed to fulfill all of your personal beauty needs with a single transformative operation.

Why spend thousands on creams, special shampoos, scientifically formulated make-up, or injections of paralytic nerve toxins into your face? The Wondernator can help you solve any common beauty problem from crow's feet to varicose veins, the Wondernator does it all! It can even help with some of the more complex issues that up until now only surgery could repair. Small breasts, sagging thighs, cellulite, even extensive facial reconstruction!

How can one product do all of this you ask?

Wait, there's more!

Wondernator is also a proven treatment for the following common problems: lack of social mobility, low self-esteem, unemployment, depression, and many more!

I'm about to demonstrate this exciting new product, right here on national television. Each Wondernator kit comes with three main components: this lovely stainless steel hammer with indigo accents; this amazing mother of pearl butane lighter, and the patented Wondernator safety goggles.

This process is so easy, a child can do it. You'll start feeling better about yourself instantly and for the limited time price of $19.95 you'll save literally tens of thousands of dollars over those traditional products and operations.

Step one is to place the patented and scientifically tested Wondernator saety goggles on your face. Next, let's take out our form fitted, space age Wondernator hammer. This next step is crucial, so listen closely. Examine your home for any reflective surface you may have. It is most commonly a mirror, but it could be a glass cabinet, the microwave oven door, you name it. If you can see yourself in it, I want you to perform the patented "Wondersmash" maneuver with your Wondernator tool. Just....like....this!

Next, we'll put the true hidden power of the Wondernator to work. Gather up any of your beauty supply fliers, photos of celebrities, fashion magazines, that outrageous Victoria's Secret junk mail - anything showing anyone who really doesn't look like they have eaten in the past week... Just gather it up, place it in a nice fire-resistant area of your home (an actual fireplace works best) and let the stylish, mother of pearl, Wondernator lighter do it's thing!

It's been only two minutes and I'm

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