by Elaine Sihera

Created on: June 10, 2009   Last Updated: January 27, 2010

The biggest communication problems between couples tend to centre around individual gender perspectives. For example, in relationships involving the young, it seems that it is the men who try to hold on to their partners. Clinging tightly to a retreating lover assumes importance to save face and avoid rejection, even after the liaison has clearly ended. Young women, who mature earlier, tend to be more ruthless with the dumping, especially if they are more confident, independent and can hold their own corner. This is a vulnerable time for them, when they fear rejection themselves, so they become less tolerant and forgiving in their search. Cutting ties quickly after a conflict becomes more expedient than building bridges. 

With older couples, the man tends to stray while the woman tries to hold it together. Often, in the heat of battle, both go on emotional overload', feeling contempt for each other which builds momentum almost like a runaway train. Gradually, the couple comes to regard, and remember, their association negatively. The failing relationship then dies a slow death while one partner shows little understanding, gets irate and starts vindictive blaming. This makes it hard for the other partner to give in or to compromise. Finally, he/she might grow bitter too, and the relationship fails.

Alternatively, feeling trapped in their situation, the couple could live together for years in a constant war zone, each trying to outdo the other in bitterness and rancour, with little respect on either side and little enjoyment either. Communication becomes just a function of personal needs and desires instead of really connecting with each other. 

In many relationships the communication may, in fact, be minimal, which leads to lots of misinterpretations and often causes anger. Lillian Rubin (1976) described a typical working class family where the husband may think he is showing his love. After all, he married his partner, he works hard, comes home immediately after work, is faithful, and wants sex three or four times per week. However, the wife doesn't feel loved. She wants to talk more, to have more fun together, to be affectionate without sex. She gradually becomes unhappy through his perceived lack of attention, but she doesn't want to make a fuss about it either because she finds it hard to discuss her feelings, especially when she can see that he is a good' husband. Instead, she loses interest in sex because she begins to feel that's all he wants'. She begins to feel angry and frustrated. He now feels rejected and aggrieved. Both complain of not being understood, which is true. Had they communicated, it could have been different.

It seems the biggest social and communication problems relate to learning to listen better, being more assertive instead of hostile, and being more empathetic to the partner's needs. However, these are easy words because the mere act of communicating with someone becomes a problem in itself when he/she lacks the skills to do so and feel afraid of both hearing something unfavourable and expressing how they feel. Most important, the problems magnify when the individual gender perspectives get in the way of the connection.

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