by Diana S

Created on: February 03, 2007   Last Updated: October 31, 2008

My dad died when I was seven years old. Most people thought it didn't make much difference to me, that I was too young to understand. When I was 28 years old, I realized how much that experience affected me - every thought I had about myself, my relationships and my world around me balanced on that single moment. I thought that I was unlovable and not good enough - I must have done something wrong, even though I couldn't think of anything, to make him leave. As a child I could only see this experience as reflecting upon myself.

These two thoughts turned every idea I had about being good enough - deserving good things, deserving a good husband, being a good mom - backwards. I couldn't have any of those things in my life, I recreated the same rejection and failure again and again in my life. I finally reached such a point that I questioned myself deeply and realized the common denominator in all my experiences with all those different people was Me! I started trying different ways to discover how what I thought about life created it in my life. It wasn't about blaming myself or my mom, it was about taking responsibility for my thoughts and changing what wasn't working for me. It's been a long journey, but where would I be today if I hadn't sincerely searched for a way to change myself? The same 20 years would have passed and I would still struggle with self-esteem and have passed that onto my daughter - the one thing I would not allow.

When my daughter was 7 years old, my husband / her father, died. It was a huge blow to me. I was thrown back into my issues about the death of my dad. It was devastating (more on that word later). I had begun a self-development course that centered on weekend workshops and a team of women, from that weekend, with whom to continue our work together until the next workshop. I was so supported during this time, in such a way that was empowering to me - I discovered, with them by my side, who I truly was and that was not a victim! What defined me was how I responded - not the circumstance that surrounded me. I was able to raise my daughter, who is a successful young woman, now 22 years old. If the only reason I suffered the death of my dad at age 7 was to help my daughter survive the same experience and thrive, then it was worth it!

That word "devastated" was thrown back at me on a Dr. Phil show. It was about a woman afraid to get married again because she was devastated when her first marriage ended in divorce. Dr. Phil said that word

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