My ex-husband and I didn't communicate while we were married. How were we supposed to communicate when we divorced?

During separation and divorce, there is an organic change in a marriage. Materially, it goes from something to nothing within a relatively short period of time. I remember sitting in the courtroom next to my soon-to-be ex-husband, as the judge read through the terms of our divorce. After each section, he turned to us and said, Do you both agree? We were supposed to answer with, I do. We said the same thing to get out of our marriage that we said to get into it. What a peculiar juxtaposition of words.

People are led to believe that by divorcing, they have solved the problem of their bad marriage. But if they have children, there will be at least some interaction between the ex-spouses while the children are growing up and even after. There will be grandchildren, christenings, birthday parties, etc. Some people maintain a battle mentality long after the marriage is over. Unfortunately, their children oftentimes become collateral damage.

From an attorney friend, I heard about one of his divorce clients (the ex-wife) whose ex-husband wrote her child-support check out to B _ t _h Kenworthy. (Hmmm. A little bit of latent rage?) Another client's ex-husband, every month before placing his child support check in the envelope to mail it, used it as toilet tissue. (Use your imagination.)

Here are some pointers on keeping communication with your ex-spouse civilized:

1. Act as though you like your ex. Be polite and try not to incite her anger, especially when the children are present. Even though you are divorced, you are still your children's role models. I have seen divorced couples at the far extremes of nice and not nice. Children benefit if both ex's are kind to each other.

2. Divorces involve so many bad feelings, disappointments, and resentments. The feelings persist long after the divorce is final. But, even though a marriage was unfixable, ex-spouses can still get along (or appear to get along) in front of the children.

3. Unless you have a court order, do not restrict your ex from seeing or talking to your children. Never use your kids as a power ploy. In California, where I live, it is illegal for one parent to restrict the other parent's visitation if he has fallen behind in his child support. Payment and visitation are two separate issues. Keep them that way.

4. If your ex-spouse

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