by Kristina Hutchinson

Created on: June 09, 2009

Where Angels Fear

I know what it is like to feel nothing inside: no pain, no fear, no love. I know what it is to walk in the shadows, to be just a figure in a doorway. This is how I have lived the passed seventeen years. I never wanted to feel - until now. I am honest when I tell you that I have never loved anyone. Love isn't something that I can easily grasp, or even understand, but now I want to. Now is when my brother Franklin is being laid to rest. Now is when I ought to cry, but I can't. Dear God, what kind of monster am I?

So many people here in the cemetery, here to pay their respects to a fifteen year old boy who drowned just three days ago. What is wrong with me? I have nothing to say, nothing to give. Perhaps, I am nothing.
I leave the cemetery unnoticed and walk toward town. As I step I try to look all around me, to see the beauty of Waterbury. My eyes search the quiet scenery for what I must have missed long ago. Is it in the graceful trees blooming in colors of violet, rose and gold? Is it in the warm air, or the clear blue sky? Is it near me? If it is, then I must find it or be left with nothing.
Franklin was my only brother and I was so distant from him. We rarely spoke and as children we never played together. He was close to someone else: our sister Fiona. I believe he worshiped her. They were always together, sitting on a bench in the garden, playing checkers on the terrace, or just reading a book in father's study. Franklin and Fiona - there was always laughter, always dreams.
They understood love, I heard them say so. They promised they always would. But Franklin risked his life to save Fiona after she slipped off the pier and now they were separated.
Franklin lost his life in an act of love, and Fiona lost her heart. Why should I want such a thing?
I didn't find what I was searching for in town, so I wandered home to the monstrous house with the faded white paint that was peeling off and the overgrown yard. I remember once promising myself that I would never leave. Everyone is here, Fiona, father and grandfather. I couldn't imagine where I would go. I've never had dreams like them. I suppose it's somehow safer this way. But it must be wonderful to dream.
Dimitri, why aren't you at your brother's funeral? as I enter the foyer, grandfather Jameson greets me with his usual air of suspicion.
How kind of you to speak to me. I watch his nostrils flare as I hand him my hat and overcoat.
Who do you think I amYou've no respect for the living or the dead.
I turn about instantly and face him. I paid my respects to my brother. Where were you, grandfather?
I can't bear funerals he pauses as he lowers his head. But I do not have to explain myself to you!
I ignore him and make my way toward the staircase. 'I'm going up to my room and I do not wish to be bothered.
In my bedroom, I stand before my open window. I press my hands upon the pane and rest my head against the warm glass, breathing in the sweet fragrance of honeysuckle and lilac. Why Franklin, why did you die this way. I wonder aloud. As though he had a choice! Now the house would be empty of laughter. It was becoming unbearable. I would have to avoid everyone and so I would become a shadow once again.

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