by Susan S. Flaherty

Created on: June 09, 2009   Last Updated: July 20, 2009

My sister's son suffered from mental illness from an early age. He died just two weeks after his twentieth birthday. Three years later, it's still unclear whether it was an accident or if he committed suicide. We will probably never know. As each day passes, that becomes easier to accept.

Feelings of sadness, anger, guilt, frustration and relief swirled about his entire circle of family and friends. I suppose that's true at the time of virtually everyone's death, since life is itself a series of complex, even messy relationships.

I offer a few pieces of advice for those seeking to help someone grieve based on watching my sister find a place for her grief, and my attempts to support that effort:

- Your friend has a right to grieve. It's not selfish or indulgent. It's human. Your friend has lost forever a precious part of his or her daily life. Sadness, anger, frustration are acceptable and helpful emotions.

- Your friend has a right to grieve. It's not selfish or indulgent. It's human. Your friend has lost forever a precious part of his or her daily life. Sadness, anger, frustration are acceptable and helpful emotions.

- Your friend has a right to know as much as possible about the circumstances of their loved ones death. Trying to find out the Who, What, When, Where, Why and How of death gives our minds and our souls the information needed to process, if not fully comprehend, the mysteries of life.

- Your friend has a right to grieve in his or her own way. One person may need to talk endlessly about the person who has died. Listen, and don't be afraid to tell your favorite stories about the dearly beloved, or how much you think he or she would have liked Saturday night's movie. Another person may need to go bowling. Buy the next round. Another will seem fine one minute, emotionally melt down the next, and then be fine again. Try to be understanding, supportive and tolerant.

- Traditional phrases and gestures are your friends. They represent the collective wisdom or our culture. If you don't know what to say or do, try saying "I'm so sorry for your grief" or bring a frozen casserole by the house. "How are you doing?" is also a welcome question. Try to avoid "Is there anything I can do to help?" Instead, take the initiative. Menial kindnesses like mowing the lawn or washing dishes, and social kindness, like calling to arrange a spontaneous dinner or a movie, are both helpful and show you care. If you are rejected, try again next week, when your friend may be ready to accept your gift.

The road to recovery from grief is not paved and almost always has unexpected bumps. Everyone will make mistakes and second-guess their words, deed, and thoughts. Please, be gentle with your friend and with yourself as you both feel your ways along the path.

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