by Wendy Rodley

Created on: June 09, 2009   Last Updated: February 19, 2012

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross wrote a ground breaking book 'On Death and Dying' in 1969 and it is still a very helpful tool in understanding and assisting in the grieving process. Her model consists of five stages: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.

In order to be empathic with someone who has lost a loved one, it is important to understand the various stages and be able to hold that person through them. It is sometimes tempting to want to make it better, take away the pain by distraction or by trying to take control of the person who will be, on lots of levels, unbounded and feeling lost. The healing process is unique to the individual suffering a loss and so no judgement or blueprint beyond the five stages quoted above can be called upon; maybe from your own experience. It is very hard to see someone in pain and not want to take it away, however, that pain is often the only link to the person they have lost and can only be relinquished when they are ready to let go, to flow with fate.

There is a culture of 'stiff upper lip' in the Western world, a resistance to pain and the vulnerability that accompanies it. People like to have agendas that protect them from surprises that might catch them off guard or leave them open to loss of some kind.

The other part of this equation is time; we box things up neatly and quickly, thus getting more done and increasing our sense of security. Time is a trickster in our lives, it pretends to be helpful and rewarding but often takes our eye off the ball.  The grieving person needs just enough time to feel better and this is not something anyone else can know . Grief is an entity of its own, it has its own life span and if cut short or ignored it will keep coming back until given its day.

This is a tall order for the helper.  It is a very unselfish and almost objective task to be with someone in pain.  Our own pain has to be quieted, it isn't our time, it is the suffer's time.  We have to trust that everyone's  survival instinct goes very deep and that everyone has their own way to the light.

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