by Julius Albert Custodio

Created on: June 09, 2009

"Even the most perfect person you know is insecure in one way or another."

You see, the most insecure person I know is myself. By admitting that, I am by no means perfect. I guess that's one of the few things I excel in: being insecure. By writing under this title, I expect a liberating catharsis of sorts. Or at the very least an outlet for my insecurities. It would be like talking to a shrink.

The Remnants of My Teenage Angst

I grew up with low self-esteem and a lot of issues with myself. I can't help but feel empathic whenever I hear Radiohead's Thom Yorke sing the lines: "I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul" in that song "Creep". It's funny because I often see myself criticizing people who let superficial wants like a "perfect body" take a hold of their lives. Now, I'm just being a hypocrite because in all honesty, I have wanted those things too. I wanted to be perfect.

Back in high school, I was like one of those guys labeled as losers in teen dramas. I blame it on my delayed puberty. Can you just imagine my teenage angst? At 23, I still have the remnants somewhere within me. I'm such a loser, right?

I Want To Be Anyone Other Than Me

Yeah, I've been carrying more than two decades' worth of emotional baggage with me and every year it just keeps on getting heavy. It doesn't take a genius to understand how unhealthy having these insecurities are. I've lost sleep before thinking about things which I want to change about myself. I've had a tough time dealing with my schoolwork because I was preoccupied with my personal issues. There's always this thought which keeps on nagging me: "What if I were somebody else? Would I still be as insecure as I am now?"

And so, I reflect on these sick thoughts. I dream, no, I long of the time when there will be some kind of technology which would allow me to become someone else. Someone who's good at sports, someone who can stand out on a crowd, someone free of insecurities. I then realize that it would be virtually impossible, and I find myself just digging a deeper hole.

Selfishly Insecure(?)

But for being insecure, for having these thoughts of being someone else, am I also being selfish? All these years, by focusing all attention on my insecurities, have I been depriving other people the chance to get to know me better? I think not. I have yet to hear someone tell me that they would never change me for who I am. Or maybe they've told me these things before, but I've chosen to ignore them. Instead I kept on beating the dead horse that is insecurity.

This has taken hold of my life for too long now. I need to let it go before it can consume me. But somehow, I just can't. I wanted to, for as long as I can remember, but by doing so it would also mean that I will become "different". If I'm not insecure anymore, I may become too vain. I may become so self-absorbed that I would not be able to notice my mistakes. It might just lead to my eventual downfall.

I wouldn't want that. So, I choose to embrace these insecurities. They're a part of me now. And although these insecurities have hindered me from reaching my utmost potential, I'm thankful for them because they've been keeping me human.

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