by Marion Plouet

Created on: June 09, 2009

Writing has always been a source of pleasure for me. It makes me feel so calm, while enabling me to get out what hurt me so bad !

I love writing. I always had lots of journals and diaries as a kid and teenager. I love writing down my thoughts, what happened in my life, that very special thing that happened that very special day... It has always meant something very special to me.

The way I use my writing as a healer is when there is something very important I need to share, get out, but need the person who hurt me to know. What I like about the writing form is that you, or I, cannot shout! Yes, my words will have a lot of meaning, but as I am writing down, I also have time to choose them, and be sure that this is exactly what I want to say.

For example, when I decided I had too much hurt living in the memory of my abused childhood, and decided that it was time I stopped feeling guilty and put the responsability back into the hands of those men who had sexually abused me, I wrote them a letter, with the detail of what they had done, and the details of what it had made me feel like growing up! I felt that after 20 years of shutting up, keeping it in, and being in pain, it was now time that the blame went to the right place.

I was very fortunate that I managed to get their addresses to send them the letters. One never replied. The other one called my mum, as he was so sorry, and didn't realise that it could have hurt me so much, asking what he could do to get forgiven... I believe there is no forgiveness to that. After my mum knew about this when I was younger, he moved with his family. I believe he could not face us anymore. For 20 years or so, I have lived with a shame that wasn't deserved. When you're a 6 year old girl, how can you be responsible for men deciding to come into your bed at night, or touching you while you're growing up?

It took me a lot of guts to tell my mum, and then my dad, 10 years later. Now they could understand why I was hiding myself, why I was socially different, why I would cry so often, why I would not introduce them to boyfriends... But all this just didn't make me feel free. Yes I felt better that this evil secret was out, and I felt better that now I didn't have to hide anymore, but I was still the one living with the hurt, living with the feeling that my tormentors were free of the guilt and the responsibility.

That's how I took the decision to send them a letter, to put them in front of their guilt, their dirty minded guilt! Nothing can justify what they have done, and I see no reason that I shouldn't let them know how they hurt me, but that from this day on I will not let them destroy me anymore. And from the moment I posted the letters I felt liberated. A letter, a story, novel, song... that you write in a moment that you feel you have something important that needs to get out, will always help you heal the wound.

Writing enables you to take the time to choose your words and to offer a message that makes sense, if only to you, in the moment you needed it out. I will always have a piece of paper and a pen to write down even the most insignificant thing, because it's something that will make me feel good. I have that notebook in which I write my moods, and why I feel like that. Once I can understand my mood, especially the bad one, I will be more able to deal with the day and avoid being rude or hurting to people around me. There is no need for a long story find the sooting words.

Today I'm happy because I have a loving man, a roof on my head, and some food in the fridge. I don't care that my back hurts or I have no money, every cloud has a silver lining...

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