by Charles Ray

Created on: June 08, 2009

I've been thinking about religion a lot lately; you know the whole thing about heaven and hell. Well, hell mostly, since a lady on the Metro blithely informed me one day that because I'm a Buddhist, that's where I destined to go. Yes, this otherwise kind and gentle looking lady, clutching her Bible to her chest, when I told her I occasionally went to a Buddhist Temple near my house, said, "So, you're not saved yet?"

"I'm not sure I understand what you mean," I countered.

"Well," she said. "If you come to my church with me, it will all be explained."

"I would be happy to do that," I said. "If you will agree to go to the temple with me one day."

Now, you would have thought I'd uttered the worse of blasphemy the way she reacted. She recoiled as if physically struck. "Oh, I could never do that," she said in a voice filled with loathing. "That is a place of idol worship."

At this point, I decided discretion is the better part of valor, and tactfully ended the conversation. But, that encounter got me to thinking about religion. Is there a heaven or hell? If so, who goes to which?

Well, if people like my fellow passenger that day are right, only a select few will go to heaven. Now, heaven must by definition be infinite (or at least vast), so it will be sparsely populated, and mostly with insufferable, intolerant types who are willing to kill you for believing even a little differently than they do. So, that leaves hell for most of the rest of us.

I figure hell will have to have lots of subdivisions. Honestly, the different faiths and belief systems don't get along too well here on earth, why should the hereafter be any different.

There will probably be guided tours when you report to the gate (since the other place has pearly gates, I wonder what kind hell will have? Probably cast iron covered with rust.) that will give you the opportunity to make an informed decision about where you will spend eternity.

There will be hell for golfers - endless, verdant fairways with a water hazard at every turn, and every ball you hit goes out of bounds. Sex addicts are likely to have a hell with a vast display of whatever turns them on, behind plate glass and forever out of reach.

What about us common folk; the ones who aren't particular sinful and have no special predilections, but who just happened to not ascribe to the fundamental religion that has the revealed truth and thus controls access to heaven? What will hell be like for us? Well, I imagine it will be like the cubicle at work in the dark corner of the office, farthest away from the bathroom and under the air conditioner vent. We'll all have an inbox that is incapable of being emptied, and an outbox that rejects everything we try to put into it. Our boss will be a carmine-skinned, horned beast, much like the one we have today; forever demanding that we get things done that are unnecessary and impossible, and never giving us sufficient time to do them.

Yes, that is no doubt what hell will be like. And I figure, I'll be so busy making new friends from among the multitudes who end up there, I won't even notice.

Learn more about this author, Charles Ray.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.