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How does a couple get from angst and frustration to accommodation between them, from continuing conflict to some kind of resolution?

One sets up realistic expectations of the relationship. But that is not so easy because, in order to do this, one has to first adjust one's own expectations of both the partnership and one's partner.

The only way to start is to decide together to acknowledge mutual hurt and fears and then set realistic goals. That acknowledgement to potential hurt is crucial to moving on. Obviously, communication skills are very important here. Talk, listen, ask questions, clarify responses - all are essential, but can be difficult if the other person does not want to reciprocate or finds it difficult to air their feelings. But talking and listening are keys to getting rid of the tension and acknowledging and accommodating each other's viewpoint.

It means one has to stand back objectively and make changes in one's self to review what one expected that relationship to be, which is not so easy after years of habit. Next, both have to rebuild the spark that united them in the first place. When they recognise that they are just disillusioned, that they don't really dislike each other, they will also recognise that they need to rekindle the fire of attraction before it is all burned out between them. But rebuilding an acceptable relationship is not something each can do on their own, especially when one partner has ceased to be attractive or appealing, or has rejected the other emotionally and that valuable chemistry is missing.

Quality Time Together

What matters most now is time together; spending time doing things you both enjoy and which add quality to your life. Next is treating each other with equality and respect, especially the realisation and acceptance that both partners are important to the union. No one is greater than the other, or anyone's job more superior. You complement each other in everything you do because that's the purpose of a partnership. Without both partners the relationship would not be there, so each partner deserves appropriate respect. But, if there is a problem with this aspect, it could be that you have to love and respect yourself first before you can actually reciprocate with someone else. Yet you may not have reached self-love because of low esteem caused by a lack of achievement, past unsuccessful relationships, personal fear and/or insecurity, so that will take a little time to achieve.

In this stage of seeking alignment you are likely to gain new information and insights relating to yourself, your partner and the nature of the marriage or relationship. Expectations have evolved to become less competitive and more compatible. Both parties seem to want the same things, though it might be in differing amounts or clothed in different shapes.

Resolving key issues in your relationship helps you recognise not only that your relationship can rise to another level, but also that you have the power to make real changes. While one or both of you may continue to feel anxious, confused and afraid, and may resist making any changes, both now take charge of the direction of their happiness as partners. And that is done best by each taking responsibility for their individual behaviour. That is why getting to a resolution stage is strong on commitment and loyalty but low in expectation. Each party gradually accepts personal boundaries not because they have to but because they actually wish to do so.

Learn more about this author, Elaine Sihera.
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