How do you tell children about divorce? How do you to assure them that the love for them is still there while the fabric of your marriage is torn?
Children are naive in their assumption that their homelife will always be the same. They see both parents as always being there for them. In that stability, they rests. When they are faced with the earthshaking news that this stability is about to be interrupted, they do not understand. They need their past, present and future reconciled and here are a few suggestions:
1. Assure your children that they are truly loved and always will be loved - This is primary. Love is that little fuzzy blanket that has surrounded them since birth. They know it exists by your prior words and actions towards them. Let them know this will never change.
2. Explain in simple terms that both of you as parents, will be working together to help raise them. In the case where one parent assumes full custody, let them know that they will be able to visit the other parent, or the non-custodial parent will be coming to visit them When children see parents still connecting for their benefit, they do not see themselves as being forsaken or thrown into a wide abyss.
3. If children ask why the divorce is necessary, tell them that life has changed, and Mommy and Daddy are moving in different directions in the their lives. As far as possible, don't let the children see anger, hatred, or spite surfacing. If one parent is moving out of town, let the children know that they can contact that parent by phone anytime. Reassure them that everything will be alright.
4. Do not teach your children against the absent parent. This does irreparable harm. Rather than talk about all the bad that your ex-husband or wife has done, play up the positives. Children will blossom in a pots of positives.
5. Discuss your living arrangements thoroughly with your children if they are old enough to understand. Mark dates on the calendar when the absent parent will have visitation. This open awareness reduces the child's uncertainty and they will eventually adjust to those living arrangements. As far as possible, display a picture or two of the absent parent somewhere in your child's room to keep them visually connected to that parent.
6. Continue to watch your children before and after the divorce. Look for definite signs of regression, depression, suicide, and withdrawal. If you evidence those, seek immediate professional.
7. Inform your children's teachers and caretakers about the divorce. Ask for their assitance in making this transition as pleasant as possible for your children and to immediately report to you any major changes they may witness in your children's dispositions.
8. If possible, keep an open line of communication between you and your former spouse. Your marriage has been dissolved, however, both of you can at least make your children's lives less traumatic by operating off of the same page in their care.
9. Don't take anything for granted. Plan, consult, and arrange for your children to receive as much as you and your ex-spouse can afford. If one is shirking, give that person a little nudge forward. In the case of your children having to adapt to a new home with other children from another divorce situation, show them how a blended family means more siblings, more fun, more sharing, and caring.
10. Take plenty of pictures and keep family memories alive. When children feel that you care about their every stage of development, they are prone to take pride in what they do. Encourage them to do their best and make you and your family proud of them.
It will take a lot of work, committment and love to keep children shielded from the deep hurts which can come as a result of a divoce, but it can be done. Many families have come away torn from their previous home fabric, only to be made into a new decorative piece of stronger fabric, and all because of love- genuine, love which knows that all things are possible.