by Tami Erickson

Created on: June 07, 2009   Last Updated: July 20, 2009

Losing a loved one is devastating and traumatic. The pain can be so excruciating that it can catapult a person into the darkest and loneliest places of their soul. It is a time when family and friends are needed the most but yet often the time they are pushed away.

We are often bewildered by how to comfort the grieving person. We struggle with what to say or how to act but there are some basics to keep in mind:

Be respectful. We each grieve in our own unique way. Some cry inconsolably, while others become numb and appear stoic. Despite the demeanor, recognize the underlying pain and grief.

Never tell someone, "I know how you feel." You don't. Yes, you may have lost a loved one yourself, but we each deal with loss differently. Let them know you've lost a loved one and share with them the things that brought you solace.

Let them know you're there for them. Tell them specific ways you can help; whether it's assisting with funeral arrangements; babysitting; or driving them somewhere.

Listen. Sometimes the best help is simply to listen to them talk about what's happening. Offer a hug, a pat on the hand or a tissue as the tears flow and don't be afraid to cry with them.

Remind them of their faith. It is during the times we need it the most that faith can waiver. If you know where they draw their faith from help them lean into it for strength. If you don't know, ask them to tell you.

Remind them that their loved one will never be forgotten. Often when we lack the inspiration of what to say, we choose to say nothing. Acknowledge the importance of their loved one in their life or yours. Encourage them to talk about them; as an old Tuscarora proverb says, "They are not dead who live in the hearts they leave behind."

Suggest they make a scrapbook. This activity can be very painful but can also be very healing. It can be shared by everyone affected by the death resulting in a book of memories that will last for generations.

Acknowledge that their world has just been changed forever. Just because the funeral rituals are over doesn't mean that life goes back to normal. It may take weeks, months or even years for them to regain a sense of normalcy. Don't forget them as they continue their journey through grief. Stop by for a visit, send them a card or email, or give them a call once in a while.

Encourage professional help. If it becomes apparent that they have not begun the healing process, suggest they seek professional help. Provide information on local support groups or therapists who specialize in grieving. Offer to drive them to an appointment or to attend a group meeting with them.

Sometimes just knowing that someone understands is all that's needed to support us on our personal journey through grief.

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