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WELCOME TO CHARLESTON! (Now, talk this way)

Hi Y'all! Welcome to Charleston, home of aristocracy by proxy and hubris by mail. We know you'll like it here, in fact, we insist. Here in the birthplace of the hamburger, the ice cream cone, the zeppelin and the unnecessary Caesarean section, you will find the world's widest main street and the finest collection of original Mozart manuscripts in the world, as far as you know. Charleston, undaunted by earthquake, fire, Sherman and Hugo...Charleston, home of the New York World's Fair...Charleston, still alive and well, even after being destroyed by a terrorist's nuclear device on a network television special (or is that "nucular?"..."new-clear?"...or is that "terrorvision?").

For those of you moving into our Holy City, our editorial staff would like to offer, FYI-ish, a little background, a brief historical retrospective of Charleston. So settle in for a bit of...

-CHARLESTON...NOW AND THEN-

Charleston, South Carolina, was founded in 64 B.C. by a wandering group of Trappist monks who set out of Newark, New Jersey, in search of the elusive grit tree. Of the 1600 monks, monkettes and monkees who were thrown ou...or, rather, who voluntarily left Newark, only 1599 ever reached the expansive pluff mud farms that formed the pristine peninsula of Charleston. The saddening story of the lost monk is better left untold in this article, mostly because I need something about which to write in the next article.

Chronologically speaking, Charlestonians were the first to use the phrase, "Chronologically speaking." The city of Charleston was originally named "Chuckville," in honor of Chuck L. Loudley, the first man ever to walk into a southern bar without wearing a "Cat Diesel" baseball cap on his head. However, public pressure, combined with intense lobbying on the part of the Baseball Commission, forced the name of the foundling city to be changed to Charleston, in a move that documented another American First...the first time that the word "town" had ever been mispelled. ..misspeled...myspel...spelled incorrectly.

In 1491, a Spanish freeloader landed on the shores of Charleston in three rented Portuguese ships, named the Nina, the Pinko and the Ave Maria. Three shipsful of European sailors descended on the streets of Charleston, notably in the North Meeting Street area, setting a precedent for generations of sailors to come. Due to an unfortunate incident involving fourteen bikers and a Spanish sailor named "Teencie,"

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