All children, regardless of age, need reassurance that the change a divorce usually causes will be smooth, short, and easy to recover from, despite the pain that accompanies such a life-upsetting decision. Pulling this off requires a balancing act of truth, patience, and love.
Never dance around the issue of finality. If the marriage is over, and there is no chance for reconciliation, don't give your children false hope out of a sense of needing to soften the blow. Be honest, yet gentle when breaking the news. Then reassure them that the divorce is not their fault. Talk to them often enough to give comfort, yet do not saturate them with talk of divorce. Give them happy diversions from the divorce process; say a trip to the park or watching a funny movie. Keep activities moderate. Do not overindulge your children with the finer things in an attempt to cheer them up. They will start associating pain with luxury; hence, they will expect a bribe every time they feel sad. But occasionally, a vacation or a higher expense can work. If a trip to a major theme park provides a sense of relief in a painful situation, go for it. But don't make a habit out of spending money. Also, be aware that older children will probably want less "activity" and more time alone or with friends to process the changes they are facing. Monitor their behavior. We all know our children better than anyone. If something seems off, talk about it. Get more involved in school, look for signs of trouble, i.e., excessive withdraw from life.
Keep peace by not fighting with your spouse in front of your children. People lash out when angry. Meanings get distorted. For example, screaming in disagreement about how to punish a misbehaving child gets twisted inside of a child's mind, causing him or her to self-blame, which leads to self-loathing. Plan isolated meetings to discuss the particulars of the divorce, far removed from the kids. Write down thoughts as they come to you then discuss at the proper time. Channeling rage into productive discussion is hard. Loving your children is easy. This can work for you if you practice a little self-discipline.
Sometimes, one parent has to rise above the childishness. Prevention should prevail here. Walk away from an argument. Breathe for ten seconds. It is perfectly fine to say, "Let me process what you have just asked me." Comprising tests your limits. But remember, giving in doesn't make you weak. It shows your mettle.
Do not let anger fuel unfair treatment toward your spouse. If there are no safety issues involved, allow the non-custodial parent access to the children. They need both parents.
Point out the positive attributes of your spouse when talking to your children. Never use your children as an outlet to decimate your spouse's character. Remember, your bitter feelings are probably not the same as what your children feel. As they get older, they may resent you for your harsh words.
Also, change is good, but your children have had enough right now. Keep the children in the home they love. If they are miserable, then move. But if they are excelling where they are, keep them there if you can, no matter how much you may desire to leave. It's only temporary. Once the environment stabilizes, consider a healthy move if that is your desire.
No child handles change the same. Understand that your kids may need more time to bounce back than others. Be patient. If all decision made are in the best interest of the children, eventually, they will be fine.
And of course, seek help. In this life, there are a handful of elements that as parents, we cannot predict, no matter how well we know our children. Let a professionally trained therapist decide if your kids need professional intervention. If it turns out that they do not need it, what have you lost?