by Anthony Megna

Created on: June 06, 2009   Last Updated: January 09, 2012

Like most other men, hate to shop! I don't care if it's for clothes, shoes, or food, stores and I don't get along. I've been this way all my life, ever since my Mom took me shopping and made me sit in that cold, steal, scrape-your-legs-in-the-cart, shopping chariot. The reason why I hated shopping then is because I would see something I liked, reach for it, and get my hand slapped silly. Now that I'm married, I still get my hand slapped silly when I go grocery shopping with my wife, and I still long for those far-out-of-reach items that I wanted as a kid.

Sure, every once in a while, my wife will bend and maybe we will get a nice frozen pizza, you know, the ones with all that sodium and additives that are supposed to kill you three minutes after eating it? Yeah, those ones. And you know something? They taste fantastic. You see, my wife eats nothing but healthy foods. No meat(I still say meat is healthy), very few frozen foods unless they are vegetables(which I have had a hard time keeping down since I've been a kid), and virtually skipping the snack aisle. What a drag going to the store, then and now.

Then she decides she's too busy and sends me to the store alone. I get a shopping list, and she urges me to stick to it. The feeling of freedom is wonderful, until I step into the store and realize I have to stick to the list. Then depression sets in. All those wonderful, colorful sugary items to choose from. Miles and miles of different sodas, some even flavored with chocolate! Big, juggernaut sides of beef, all marbled with fat that aren't on the list. I sigh so much the workers in the store always lead me to the bereavement cards. It's no fun shopping alone when you have that ever-present list in your hands.

It's just torture going up and down the aisles. Look, there is a nice, new, flavorful BBQ sauce that I've wanted to try ever since I saw the commercial on TV. Nope, can't have it. What about the Hamburger Helper, that might be easy when crunched for time and have very little hamburger meat in the house? Too much sodium, damn it! I guess I'll just have to walk on by the candy aisle, that's sheer fantasy that one is. Okay, reluctantly over to the produce section. There has to be something I like over there, right? Yup, I've found it, and it's called nuts. N..U..T..S. I like nuts, and always have. Problem is, they are a bit on the expensive side. But they are healthy, taste good, and I know she won't mind if I stray off the list just this once, will she? The hell with it, in the cart they go....

Well, let's see, I have a certain amount of money for the items she's put on the list, and two of them are going to have to go. I'm sure as hell not putting those nuts back, I'll starve. Bye, bye, broccoli. Bye, bye beets. Okay, that will do, off to the car and home.

Now the real fun begins. How am I going to explain where the veggies are? Will she buy the fact that they were left on the checkout counter? I better throw away the receipt. Can't do that, she will definitely get pissed if she can't see the receipt. These thoughts fill my mind all the way home, and guess what? The stressing out makes me lose my appetite, and I'm not hungry anymore. The side benefit is a few pounds lost. I knew there was a silver lining in all of this!

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