by Trisha Mcfadden

Created on: June 06, 2009

I grew up a child of the sixties, attending Catholic schools for twelve years.

The Immaculate Heart of Mary nuns taught fear of them, of God and of your parents. Maybe it was that generation but not the best environment to teach about a loving God. Where was the loving God? All I knew was the fires of hell awaited me if I missed Mass, lied, talked back to anyone in authority, the list goes on and on.

In high school I had a crisis of faith and went for advice to a trusted and well-liked St. Joseph nun. She let me down by brushing off my concerns as normal.

Finishing high school in the early seventies, I immediately fell into my newfound freedom of - no parents to bug me, no Mass to attend. This is not uncommon and, as with most of my peers, I rejoined my Church when the children came to give them the foundation I had been given.

I became very involved with a Catholic Community of Faith because I was not interested in attending a church that was not happy my children were in the public school system. CCD class and the impersonal First Communion and Confirmation rituals of sixty plus children were not the experience I was looking for, not for my kids or me.

I gave religious instruction to the children in this Community and as they got older I began to challenge them and the very things I had taught them. It led to some interesting conversations.

For me, it led to a journey that has brought me to the conclusion there is no God. From the beginning of time man has looked to the skies to ask for help or to damn their fate. Like children, adults need to look to someone for support and this became the many gods we find existed in the history of our existence.

One of my problems with religion is we can't blame this omnipotent being for anything bad that happens. Free will they call it. Well free will didn't destroy New Orleans or cause my best friend's miscarriage. If God gets all the thanks when things are good, he should be able to take the blame when things are not so good. I tried to get clarification from my Community priest but his response was that is life.

As I look back over the ages it seems to me that all of our religious traditions were born from pagan rites. Christmas/Saturnalia (look that one up if you dare), Easter/Festival of Fertility, statues we kneel before, candles we light. Another example of man finding a way to connect with something higher than himself.

I have chosen to believe in the human spirit and the energy in the universe that dies and comes back year after year.

It has taken me a long time to some to terms with the fact that I no longer believe in God. It was a sad realization, a loss of a ritual, but one I can no longer ignore. I look back on my years of trying to believe as a part of the journey and now I am content with the path on non-belief I have chosen.

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