by Tammie Washington

Created on: June 06, 2009

Bitterness to Brokenness

Many people walk around with their hearts shatteredthey attempt to act normal or rather what they think normal is. How do I know? I used to be one of these people.

Allow me to share a little bit of my life with you It all began when I was working at a retirement community. I was really focused on my life and getting to know God better. One of my co-workers introduces me to this guy; I wasn't particularly impressed with him because he apparently was the hottest thing at the job. All the younger women seemed to be flaunting themselves around him. Later, he shared with me that he was a minister; I thought to myself, That's great!

Months went by and he eventually asked me out. I was very uncertain about going out with him because I had not been in a dating relationship in a long time. Plus I had never tried dating the Christian way. So I finally accepted his offer and as faith would have it, we hit it off. It wasn't long before we became serious and began discussing marriage. Could this be it? Could he be the man chosen by God to love me? Though I was scared I decided to give it my all. We dated for about a year and were married.

Shortly after getting married we began having problems. I had become concerned about his relationships with other women. He was a musician and the worship leader in his father's church. I noticed he had become distant and didn't seem to be comfortable around me. I had never been one who was jealous but just knew something was different. I began to pray for revelation. God answered my prayers quickly the following morning when this feeling came over me. I just somehow knew he had broken our marriage vows. I confronted him and he tearfully confessed to having had sex with another woman. I became overwhelmed and angry. Out of my anger, I began throwing all kinds of things.

I contacted the woman he was sleeping with, yelling and screaming obscenities into the phone. I didn't seem to be able to control myself. I never stopped for a minute to ask God for the healing of His anointing. I just wanted to hate him and her. It was my job to make him pay for lying to me and for disrespecting me. I felt I was justified in not forgiving him (NOT TRUE). I felt like I deserved to hate him and I wore the pain as a badge of honor (NOT TRUE). I was so immersed in my own self-pity that I didn't realize that the pain had become a covering of shame. Now, I had begun to blame him for everythingmy unhappiness, my lack of joy,

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