by Lori Buttermark

Created on: June 06, 2009   Last Updated: June 19, 2009

What ever happened to the marriage vows: For better or for worse, till death do we part? Next to a life-threatening disease, divorce is the ultimate nightmare, especially for children of all ages.

Toddlers do not process the word divorce. They only know that mommy and daddy are there for them as loving and protective parents. While their comprehension skills have yet to develop, their instincts and senses are sharp. Affection and hugs pave the way for now, while mandatory explanations must follow later.

Older children, usually between the ages two and twelve, are most vulnerable. They now sense insecurity and a gap in the family hub. Self-inflicted guilt that they could be the reason for mommy and daddy breaking up, consumes their little bodies and hearts, along with the fear of unloved and unwanted.

Teenagers, adolescents, even adult children with kids of their own, are psychologically destroyed since both parents are their go-to support system, their rock and their fortress when problems need to be addressed and resolved.

Whatever the reason for divorce, both parents need to realize that the children's mental health and well-being take priority. There is no one-on-one audience. Both parents must be present to sit down with the children, assuring them that whatever happened in the failed marriage does not and will never affect the love and responsibilities to them.

No matter how much remorse parents may have for each other, they must remain neutral and avoid condescending remarks to or about each other while in the presence of their children. Walls and backyards have ears.

Children of divorced parents, now relate to a few of their peers at school who, too, share this unfortunate reference product of a broken home. This is a difficult transition; hence, they need time to adjust and re-group within themselves.

Children should not be forced into summer camp, travel or other activities in an effort to keep them distracted or occupied. As for therapy, chances are at some point they will decide for themselves and welcome the opportunity to chat or share their thoughts with someone of their own choosing who can relate to their situation; perhaps a playmate, school friend or, the family physician.

In the interim, it should be business as usual. Children should be encouraged to pursue, within reason, what is important to them; sports, writing, etc., coupled with direction, love and positive support from family and friends.

Children, who are not subjected to the tug of war scenario, can and will survive life on a new level. Stronger and wiser, they have the ability to view the universe from a different prospective and, along the way, find a meaningful relationship of their own.

That, which does not kill us, makes us stronger.

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