by Melissa Avery

Created on: June 05, 2009   Last Updated: June 08, 2009

I have never been a bubbly, happy person. I have certainly wished to be and have tried to be, but I'm just not that way. I've always thought too hard and been too critical of myself. Nothing is ever good enough and if someone else points out my mistakes it only serves to confirm my own thoughts of falling short.

Most days, fortunately, I can curb these thoughts before I sink so deep into a funk that I just want to curl up & cry. I 've been this way for as long as I can remember, but it got really bad when I was around 20 years old. There were days that I literally wanted to die and I missed so many classes that I almost flunked out of college. Luckily, I had a professor who saw what was going on and went to bat for me. I didn't do as well as I could have, but I managed to graduate. Looking back on it now, I realize how fortunate I was that nothing really bad happened to me. I was drinking too much and engaging in some dangerous behavior that could have ended very badly.

Luck again intervened through a friend of mine a few years later. I was in a relationship that I was very unhappy with and had no money to leave. I was going through another bout of What's the point? I'm never going to be happy. when I told my friend how I was feeling. I told her that I had prayed so hard the night before and had asked God that if this was all my life was going to be, then to PLEASE not let me wake up. I told her that, obviously, He hadn't answered my prayer because there I was. She said something I've never forgotten. She said Yes, He did. This isn't going to always be your life.

I started on medication and went to therapy, which helped tremendously. I started taking control back over my life and began a new one. My life did change and I am better for it. There are still days when I am just so tired and so sad that I can't seem to shake the feeling that I'm just wasting my time. I think that no one needs me or appreciates me and that I'm just a servant in my own house. I get down on my weight, or my looks or whatever I can think of at the moment that's bugging me. Then I remember that the only one who thinks that way about me is me and that even if they were thinking those things who cares? No one can make you miserable unless you let them.

When I'm thinking that there's just no point or that I'm a bad parent or whatever nasty thought tries to bring me down, I remember that I woke up that day years ago. I remember that the bad feelings pass eventually and try to count any blessings that I can think of. I take my meds, watch something funny or go blow bubbles with my kids. It doesn't always make me feel hunkey-dorey but it helps me get through to wake up another day to see what my life will be.

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