by Marilisa Sachteleben

Created on: June 05, 2009   Last Updated: June 19, 2009

Divorce. It's a worrisome word for a parent and a terrifying word for a child. Depending upon her age, past experiences and temperament each child will react differently to a divorce between parents. There are some basic principles of developmental psychology that can help you help a child cope with a divorce.

If adults have difficulty understanding divorce, children have multiple times more difficulty. The reasons behind the dissolution of a marriage are complex and often nebulous. Relationships are not black and white. Even a good marriage is fraught with gray areas. Divorce confuses children for several reasons. Children think primarily in black and white. Because children lack the maturity to comprehend gray areas, divorce is unthinkable.

Children are self-centered. They believe that everything begins and ends with them. If mom and dad are unhappy it must be my fault, reasons the child. Children are moral creatures also. They are concerned with right and wrong. Children idolize their parents; it is inconceivable that mommy or daddy could be wrong. The child assumes, then, that he is wrong or bad, and therefore mommy and daddy had to get divorced.

Imagination reaches its zenith in childhood. Heightened imagination arouses all sorts of fears, rational and irrational. Because the child does not understand divorce, he imagines all sorts of fantastic and fearful explanations.

It is absolutely imperative that a child going through a divorce receive help. Here is a divorce first aid kit for children.

1-Listen to the child. Encourage her to express doubts, concerns and worries.

2-Acknowlege and address her concerns.

3-Answer any questions that you can. Help her to find answers to questions that you can't answer.

4-Convince the child that the divorce is in no way his fault. Explain that nothing he did or did not do caused his parents to get a divorce.

5-Assure the child that she is still loved. Remind her that her relationship with both parents has not changed and will not change.

6-Young children respond well to puppets, dolls or stuffed animals. If the child is unable to express her concerns, talk to her as though you were a favorite toy. Say something like, 'I'm sad. My parents are getting divorced. Can I talk to you?'.

7-Art and drawing can be very therapeutic. Children communicate a great deal with their drawings. Do not 'read into' a child's drawings, but ask him to tell you about what he has drawn.

8-Be sure that the child has a support system. It is preferrable for the child to have one trusted person to 'walk with them' through the divorce proceedings, changes and adjustments. Usually it is not possible for a parent to perform this role.

9-Provide lots of security and comfort during this crucial time. A child needs hugs, extra cuddling, stuffed animals, perhaps even a new pet. Some children may want to sleep with an adult for awhile.

10-Nurture the child, body and soul. A child is more susceptible to illness in any tramatic situation. Someone must be vigilant to see that the child is getting adequate nutrition, rest and exercise. Look for activities that the child enjoys and that help to take her mind away from her parents' divorce.

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