Growing up, I remember a song by artist Terry Jack: "We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun..." . Then, each chorus took a turn toward the dark side as the singer looked back from his death bed on the good, the bad, and the ugly of his life.
Marriage, too, is a collection of everything bright and everything dark. Like the tides or the seasons, things come and go, but unlike their natural counterparts, the changes are usually unpredictable.
A veteran of twenty-two years of marriage, I know a little bit about the "ebb and flow" that keeps a marriage from ending up a divorce statistic. And, as an offspring of a tough-and-tender marriage of fifty-four years, a true "death do we part" adventure of my parents, I've seen what good and bad times can do to strengthen a marriage.
One of the secrets, in my opinion, is to remember that anything worth doing takes time to do right. So often, I think people give up when the hard times hit, and fail to see the beauty that can cover the battle scars after a time of healing. I recently told one of my son's friends - a dashing high school graduate who has seen his parents survive a lot of tough stuff - "people give up way too soon."
I often look to my folks as an example of what not giving up can produce. When my parents met in 1949, my mother was an unwed young girl and my dad an alcoholic ex-marine just looking for a good time. They went on their first date with two other people, switched partners during the evening sometime, and got married ten days later!
Fifty-four years passed and, with my mom on her deathbed, my parents had what would be their last conversation as husband and wife. Holding my mom's hand, my dad told her: "Well, Janey (his pet name for her), it's been quite a ride, hasn't it?"
Mom, weak with exhaustion, smiled and told him, "Some weren't so good, were they?"
Dad, always the optimist, said, "It hasn't been all bad either, has it?"
Mom answered, "No, it hasn't. And the thing is, the last twenty have been the sweetest of all. I'm glad we didn't give up."
My mom's response has stuck with me since her death. And I've shared this story many times, because the truth it shares is ageless. Every couple, regardless of their backgrounds, their religious beliefs, or their economic situations, will face good times and bad. The secret is to remember that nothing lasts "forever" without maintenance and hard work.
We as human beings are cyclical, seasonal people. We change, grow, rest, and change again. In a marriage, each partner has a choice to make: Will we grow together, despite the differences we encounter, or will we grow a part through the seasons of life? Will flexibility be experienced on both sides of the proverbial relationship coin, or will one (or both) partners simple say, "enough is enough?"
I'm not naive; I know there are situations (betrayals of trust; situations of abuse) where it's best that couples at least separate and work on their own problems. But so many divorces of friends I've experienced end up being a slow decent into lack of concern. Love doesn't usually die suddenly - it is usually a victim of neglect, strangulation, or a one-sided crusade of destruction by a partner who has become selfish and self-motivated. When the time and energy it takes to ride the waves of change in a marriage are used for self-preservation and one-sided interests, couples find themselves floundering in the surf rather than riding it together.
The secret to riding the ebb and flow of a marriage is this: ride together. In good times, and bad, remember the reasons you came together. Look at things and try to keep the fun in the experience. Whenever something becomes more work than fun, the motivation drops off. There will be times when one or the other partner requires more time and attention. If two people come together and decided that it's worth the work, and they recognize that their time, too, will come, they can look at each other with love, respect and appreciation and keep on going, regardless of the weather.