Once again, I headed out for my morning walk. This morning was a little different. Usually I feel the trill and energy of contentment. I might even have the slobbering tears of one sorry for thoughts or actions of the night before. No, I don't drink a lot and I am never drunk, but life can give you the same feeling. This morning, I am neither sad, nor full of desire. A stand still waiting, I suppose.
The sun played peel-a-boo at me, hiding behind he gray clouds and popping out laughing in the wind. I ignored the temptation to smile. I glanced at the tan leaves arguing with the grass. The leaves covered the small patches of grass trying to show spring. In my mind I could hear the leaves say, "Its not your time yet, go back to sleep." The green blades of grass would shake her finger and say, "Now you listen here, we are not going through this again. Every year you resist letting go. It's my turn, time for you to dry up and blow away." Normally thoughts like this would cause me to grin. Today I trudged my feet over the top of both of them and walked on.
The wind kept sending breezes of chill towards me, probably mad because I refused to play with them. I pulled my jacket tighter on my way. I found an old tree that lay fallen. Its bark was crumbling off, yet it still provided and gave. It was a new home to different micro animals and shelter to others. Even the deer could scratch their heads and sharpen their horns here. I sat down and rested my will.
From the back of my mind, a song floated forward. The sad melody of Send In The Clowns grew louder and louder. I hummed it aloud, which sent the squirrels scattering. I love the melody of this song, the softness and sadness equal parts. I could even listen to it without the words and feel the intense emotions. I leaned back and lost myself in the song. I felt a tug at the hem of my jeans. Great the dog is demanding attention, after he bluntly refused to come with me earlier.
I opened my eyes, expecting to see a black lab slobbering on my hiking boots. Instead, a clown sat at my feet and untied my boot. "Hey, what are you doing?" The clown's mustard yellow hair titled back so I could see his face. His eyebrows were exaggerated, with the color of plum on his eyelids. A tear slowly fell from his left eye. The tear was a bubble of water, it too was in the color of plum, and it fell slowly down his face. His clown nose was red, but softer in color the most. The outline of his mouth was yellow to match his hair. He just sat there, looking at me and letting the tears fall one by one.
I felt compassion for him. He looked down to the ground and played with the tears, which fell. He made a stream with a stick and watched the tears run the length of it.
He never spoke a word, just sat there with me. I waited not understanding. I pulled a bandanna from my pocket and showed it to him; in hopes, he would smile. He looked at it. I pointed to his pocket and he shook his head vigorously "No"; he turned his head from me and scooted his body around. He had his back to me now, refusing to acknowledge me. I got up and walked around to the front of him. Again, he turned away. My face tightened and I wanted to yell at him. Instead, I clapped my hands and he looked. I spoke, hoping he could understand.
"What did I do to you? You came here to me and then sit there ignoring me and interrupting my world." Then the words stuck in my throat. The grass and the leaves reached up for me to see them. The sun peeked out again at me and the clouds stopped to pause. The wind swirled the dirt in front and I understood. I smiled, I knew.
"Forgive me, my nature. I came to your world, I demanded, interrupted and trudged on top of you and then ignored you all. I beckoned you and searched you out and then turned away from you." I said it aloud for nature to hear. The clown stood up and his plum colored tear slowly faded from sight. He smiled and pulled a string of paper from my pocket. The paper was magically connected to each other. He pulled and pulled, walking off the trail followed him. He turned, smiled, and threw something to me. A plum colored pen appeared in my hand. He tipped a hat that came from nowhere, and then he let go of the paper. The paper marched up to me, folding up on its own. I smiled in wonder and hummed the melody : Send In The Clowns.