by Eric J Taylor

Created on: June 03, 2009   Last Updated: June 04, 2009

What a terrible situation to be in. You have made those accusations. Where to go from here. To some extent, I feel that I should know all the answers, but I feel that I know none. I should be an authority on this topic, but the mind can go blank. I feel that I know this topic so well, because I have been involved. I am the faithful spouse.

The first thing that must be addressed, is why were the accusations made. Two factors that are vital in a lasting relationship are trust and communication. Without communication, there is a lack of knowledge. Without trust, there is suspicion. I suspect that the initial major cause is the lack of communication, which can come from various causes. You can drift apart, but this is really an effect, not a cause. You can allow outside events, such as your work or hobby, to control your life. It can also be caused by what I call a "mental issue", a tunnel vision, where the ability to think outside the square is either not used or not in your personality. All sounds so simple, but can be exceedingly complex. I see this as my problem, in that I do have this tunnel vision and fail to see my partner's needs at time. Too many times.

My spouse has seen this tunnel vision as an indication that, because I am not focussing on her needs, my mind is looking elsewhere and that must be another person. The battle lines have been drawn.

It can be argued that the answer to this, is for me to explain the situation to her in a sound and logical manner, but these topics dwell more on emotion that logic and regrettably emotion and intimacy, are not my strong personality traits. I need to convince her that she needs to provide specific proof, which I know that she cannot, but emotion is one of her strong personality traits, so she has not sought to do this.

To resolve the situation, we both will need to acknowledge our failings and accept that those failings, do not in themselves, mean that I am cheating. I find that notwithstanding the accusations, I am still in love with my spouse and my preferred life is with her. While I am not seeking any form of apology, it may be useful for her in admitting to herself that she was wrong. What is required in openness.

Of course, resolving the issue of faithfulness, will not in itself ensure that we can rebuild a strong relationship. That comes down to the rebuilding of communication and trust between us, the real cause of the problem that caused the accusation.

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