by Tom Doolan

Created on: June 01, 2009   Last Updated: June 03, 2009

First of all, there is no such thing as a "fair fight" in a relationship. If you and your significant other have gotten to the point where voices are raised, and irrational emotions have taken over from calm reasoning, you both lose. That being said, it is inevitable that there will be disagreements. However, if you both keep in mind that you are not opponents, but partners, things can remain rational, and you will often find that you really have nothing to fight about. Most domestic arguments boil down to misconceptions, lack of disclosure, and a false sense that your partner is "out to get you." If you constantly feel this way about your spouse or significant other, perhaps it's time to re-evaluate whether you two should even be in a relationship at all.

When a disagreement does come up, try to act your age. When you are an adult, and you get married, or even commit to a relationship with your partner, you forgo the rights to the "Nyah nyah!" defense. A marriage is not a competition, and it's not something you keep score in. And it's certainly not something that can be set aside for an argument. You are a team, and you HAVE to work together. The only people who are wrong are the other people who oppose you BOTH. "It's Us against the World, babe." That should be your mantra.

Here's a few rules that can be followed when a confrontation looms:

1. The 24 hour rule. If your spouse says or does something that bothers you, wait 24 hours to confront it (assuming it's not a NOW thing). If, after that time you still feel irked about it, bring the subject up (see rule #3 about how to do this). If it doesn't really bother you anymore, than it wasn't that important.

2. The 72 hour rule. If you don't bring up a subject before 72 hours from the offense, you lose all rights to bring it up again. Ever. No disagreement can ever be resolved if your defense includes "Well, remember when you [insert offense here] way back when?" Live in the now. If you are losing an argument, concede defeat, and learn from it. Don't try to salvage victory by trying to be right about something else.

3. Be respectful. When beginning a discussion about a perceived offense, do not couch it in a confrontational manner. Simply state, in a calm manner, "Yesterday, when you did this, I was hurt." And let them have a chance to explain their actions. You'll probably find that it wasn't intentionally hurtful, and that it was probably just a misunderstanding.

Not a rule so much as a guideline, but you should NEVER allow anyone to disparage your spouse. Even if you're angry with them, no one else has that right. Your friends don't, and your family certainly doesn't. In fact, neither do you. No matter the offense (unless their was injury or death, or loss of property involved) they are still your equal and partner, and deserving of your respect.

In the end, it boils down to figuring out what went wrong, and how to fix it, rather than trying to lay blame. The blame game only leads to more confrontation, and never resolves anything.

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