My wife and I were accepted to college. One problem though; the colleges were four hours apart. We were so truly deeply in love that the thought of a long distance relationship didn't even give us pause. Wrong. A long distance relationship is nothing to be taken lightly, and mine left me with just enough experience to pass on exactly what not to do. I was very lucky things worked out, but it wasn't until years later that we finally confronted all the issues we developed during that time in our lives. Later we were more smart than lucky, and looked to an outside source for help. Lots and Lots of counseling.
At first it was fine. It wasn't a situation that made either of us happy, but it was tolerable. We started off calling each other every night; sometimes we'd call more than once. We would talk for hours and hours about what the school was like, the people we met, what we thought of the professors and how much we missed each other. It really was sickly sweet, but it didn't last.
She missed a night. Classes all day, walking God only knows how far between classes, taxing her mind on higher learning, it was no wonder she fell asleep before she called at the usual 9:00pm. I was heart broken. I had had a tough day too, but here I was waiting and waiting for a phone call that she didn't care enough about to stay awake to make. That was the turning point for our relationship. It is when the obsession began.
I became consumed with and possessive of the time she gave me. She had been driving the four hours every weekend to come stay with me already, but it became a requirement. "Do you care if I leave in the morning," she would ask. Why would she ask that? The time we have isn't important enough that she is willing to put the extra effort out to make sure we have as much as possible. Maybe she doesn't really love me as much as I love her. This is where self doubt set in.
I began to believe she didn't love me like I loved her, so I tried to change that. I pushed more time on her. I made more demands on her for signs of how much she cared. I forced her to show or tell me again and again how much she loved me and how far she was willing to go for that love. I craved proof over everything else. The problem was she had provided more proof than I had any right to expect already, so her behavior didn't change. All my pushing, All my demanding didn't take away the stress of school, constant travel, and a long distance relationship with a demanding and controlling partner, so she grew more and more exhausted by it all. She began to resent me, and my paranoia began.
I became so consumed with fears of being replaced, that she would or had cheated on me, or that I would loose her that nothing else seemed to matter anymore. It wasn't long before she was all I thought about (remember the obsession) and what she was doing behind my back was all I cared about. The time we spent together or on the phone was spent arguing about what she was and wasn't doing to make sure I knew she loved me, or going over and over every detail of every hour of every day we spent apart. I wanted to know everything. I soon began asking her again and again about the same things searching for changes in her story. I was searching for lies, and of course, I found them. Again and again I would accuse her, push, point out she didn't love me enough because she was lying to me. Now, as I reflect, it seems insane. At the time, however, it made perfect sense.
Finally, the blowup happened, and nearly tore us apart. I am not sure to this day why we stayed together, but I am glad and I know she is glad that we did. The problem is that none of the issues we developed at that time were resolved, so they came back up again years later when it wasn't just a relationship that was on the line, but a marriage and a family.
What exactly did I learn during that part of our relationship that was long distance? Nothing. It wasn't until later with professional help that we identified and began working on the problems we had during that time. I understand now that the single most important part of a relationship is trust. Love is important, but try to have it without trust and you may find yourself in the same situation as I did. Not only nearly losing those things that you love, but also finding out things about yourself that frighten you. Lastly, and maybe most important, was that love and need are not the same thing. Love is powerful, but need is overpowering. There is no reason that one person should ever "need" to be in a relationship with another. It should always be a choice.