by Patrick Marchildon

Created on: May 30, 2009

As we step further into the twenty first century, it is becoming more difficult to define what constitutes a typical family household. The reality is that most families are faced with many relational adjustments due to life altering events such as divorce, the death of a parent, or in some cases, a combination of both. When a parent remarries, there are so many different factors at play. It is certainly not common practice to refer to your step-parent as mom or dad simply for the fact that we grow up in a social norm which states you only have one mom and one dad. We are conditioned into thinking this way at a young age and society merely perpetuates this idea through various media and advertising. Based on this understanding alone, it should be understood by the parent involved that being referred to as mom or dad by your step-child is not an instantaneous change. One could argue that this transition into labeling each other by traditional means may never in fact take place.

In order for your relationship to grow with your step-children, it should not be a pre-requisite to label one another in person. This does not mean it is not possible to love your step child and they in turn cannot love you. The moment you entered your spouse's life, you became a part of their children(s)' lives as well. Whether the previous parent perished in an unfortunate event or is still playing a role in your step child's life, remember to tread lightly. The moment your bags are in the bedroom, adjustments need to be made to accommodate your bonus children. Granted, this is not a one way street and I do not mean you should be a doormat to their every stepping need. If you are able to find the balance between loving parent and authoritative homeowner, you might be able to earn their respect while maintaining a positive relationship.

There is one area in which is imperative to your survival in your new home: Do not take anything said in anger to heart. If you are dealing with a young teenager (or several), it is to be expected that sooner or later you will hear the following response when addressing the young adult: "I don't have to listen to you because you are not my mother/father!" You were a teenager once and although this type of behavior should not be tolerated, it does not necessarily mean they do not see you as a parental figure. The best advice to be given is that patience and understanding opens the gate to communication. Once this gate is open, allow for time to take its course naturally as you are a parental figure whether or not the child calls you mom or dad. Know your role and fulfill your duties. Your step child will understand all that you have done for them and will appreciate you once time has been given to settle into the new family setting.

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